UFC Heavyweights Replaced by Realistic CGI Projections
Why the latest pay-per-view looked more like a video game than a fight.
SLUDGE REPORT ILLUSTRATION — NOT A PHOTOGRAPH (PROBABLY)
Did you see the main event? The sweat didn't spray right. It lingered in the air like a glitchy particle effect from a 2014 Playstation game. I’m calling it now: the heavyweights have gone on strike and Dana White has replaced them with 4K holograms projected from the rafters of the Apex.
That knockout in the second round? The winning punch didn't even land. It passed through the opponent’s jaw like a ghost through a wall, yet the guy went down like he’d been hit by a truck. That’s just bad coding, folks. I’ve seen better collision detection in Minecraft.
They’re saving a fortune on medical bills and buffet costs. Why pay a 265-pound monster to eat steak and get punched when you can have a guy in a motion-capture suit in the back room doing the 'Macarena' while the fans cheer for a 'War'?
Next time there’s a 'blood' splatter on the canvas, look closely at the screen. It’s just red pixels. If you stand in the front row and wave your hand through the fighters, your arm disappears. The sport is now just a very violent version of Pixar’s 'A Bug’s Life.'
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