UFC 305 Main Event to be Fought Inside an Active Industrial Taffy Puller
The UFC continues its quest for 'realism' by forcing fighters to compete in a rotating candy-manufacturing apparatus.
SLUDGE REPORT ILLUSTRATION — NOT A PHOTOGRAPH (PROBABLY)
Dana White has finally done it. He’s found a way to make the Octagon even more dangerous for the athletes and more profitable for the guys in suits who look like thumb-thumbs. At the press conference yesterday, he announced that the upcoming heavyweight title fight will take place inside the 'Sugar-Coated Death Trap'—a massive, rotating industrial taffy puller currently located in a candy factory in Newark.
'The fans said the clinch game was getting boring,' White screamed while drinking an energy drink made of pure taurine and billionaire sweat. 'You want to see grappling? Try grappling while four hundred pounds of warm strawberry taffy is spinning you like a human centrifuge! This is the ultimate test of a man's cardio and his ability to not be turned into a giant marshmallow.'
The fighters are reportedly 'concerned,' which in UFC-speak means they’re grateful for the $12 and a coupon for a venison wrap they’re being paid. The tactical implications are massive. How do you defend a takedown when your feet are stuck in a viscous sugar-syrup? Can you even throw a spinning backfist if you’re being stretched out to twelve feet long by a mechanical arm?
I’ve been saying for years that the sport was getting too scientific. All these 'camps' and 'diets.' Give me two guys, nine gallons of boiled sugar, and a rotating metal arm that could snap a femur like a toothpick. That’s real combat. If the winner comes out looking like a human saltwater taffy, then he’s the champion we deserve. Grab your tickets now, before the health inspectors shut the whole thing down because of the 'sticky floors.'
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