Hockey Goals Shrinking Two Inches Every Period Says Local Man
Evidence that the NHL is using telescopic goal posts to manipulate scoring and stadium concessions.
SLUDGE REPORT ILLUSTRATION — NOT A PHOTOGRAPH (PROBABLY)
By Slapshot Steve
BEHIND THE PENALTY BOX GLASS — SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 2026
I brought my own measuring tape to the rink last night and what I found will shake the NHL to its frozen core. The goalposts are retractable. They start the first period at the regulation six feet, but by the third period, they’ve shriveled down to the size of a pizza box.
That’s why all these 'elite' goalies look like brick walls. They aren't good; they’re just standing in front of a hole that’s progressively disappearing into the ice. Gary Bettman wants more overtime because overtime sells hot dogs. If nobody can score, the game goes long. It’s a classic caloric conspiracy.
I tried to jump the glass to measure the net during the second intermission, but the mascot tackled me. What is Gritty hiding? He’s the enforcer for the Net-Shrinkers Union. I saw him holding a remote control shaped like a puck. One click and the crossbar drops an inch.
If we don't return to the days of fixed-sized iron, we might as well just play the games in a phone booth. The fans deserve honesty, and the pucks deserve a hole they can actually fit into without a hydraulic assist.
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