NHL INJURY REPORT: LOWER BODY, UPPER BODY, AND EXISTENTIAL DREAD
The league's top stars are sidelined by everything from ghostly apparitions to inferior transit logistics.
Brock Stonehouse | OUT | Currently haunted by a Game 7 ghost that stares at him from the penalty box Sven 'The Suit' Arvidsson | PROBABLE | Severe Wi-Fi issues at film study resulted in he and coach watching 4 hours of Cocomelon Jaxon Montgomery | QUESTIONABLE | Emotionally compromised after realizing the team plane doesn't serve his favorite artisanal yogurt Clint 'Ironfoot' O’Malley | GAME-TIME DECISION | Legally stuck in traffic behind a Zamboni parade and a flock of stubborn geese Tyler McPowerplay | DOUBTFUL | Vibes are currently rancid after a teammate forgot to include him in the group chat for a steak dinner Sergei No-Goalski | OUT | Lower body injury sustained during a particularly aggressive attempt at a TikTok dance challenge Kip 'The Wall' Henderson | PROBABLE | Experiencing temporary blindness from the sheer neon intensity of the opponent's third jerseys
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