MLB INJURY REPORT: THE WEEK OF PSYCHOSOMATIC SHORTSIGHTEDNESS
A comprehensive look at the players sidelined by existential dread and logistical incompetence this week.
By Skip 'The Tooth' McMurphy
IN A DUGOUT TRASH CAN — SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 2026
Whitlock 'Thunderchild' Peterson | DOUBTFUL | Haunted by the ghost of a Game 7 he didn't even play in | Maverick 'Sloppy' Joe | QUESTIONABLE | Emotionally compromised after realizing hot dogs are technically sandwiches | Braxton Higginbotham | OUT | Stuck in a rotating door at the team hotel for 48 hours | Silas Van der Ploog | GAME-TIME DECISION | Severe aura misalignment following a bad horoscope reading | Chet 'The Cannon' Remington | PROBABLE | Currently 14th in line at a Chick-fil-A drive-thru | Mortimer Sneed | OUT | Wi-Fi issues during an mandatory 'vibes' film study session | Kip 'Lefty' Larue | QUESTIONABLE | Distracted by a particularly aggressive pigeon in the bullpen | Brock Steelmill | DOUBTFUL | Re-evaluating his life choices after a failed bunt attempt
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