MLB
April 25, 2026 — Rickey 'Red-Eye' Rawlins (The Sticky Side of the Dugout Bench)
The league thought they cleaned up the sticky stuff era, but they didn't account for the biological warfare currently happening on the mound. I’ve been scouting the bullpens with high-powered military
April 25, 2026 — Rick 'The Meatgrinder' Malone (Scranton, PA)
1. New York Yankees — The Evil Empire has successfully weaponized the pinstripes into a barcode that allows Aaron Judge to phase through reality and steal signals directly from the catcher’s pituitary
April 25, 2026 — Skip 'The Tooth' McMurphy (In a Dugout Trash Can)
Whitlock 'Thunderchild' Peterson | DOUBTFUL | Haunted by the ghost of a Game 7 he didn't even play in | Maverick 'Sloppy' Joe | QUESTIONABLE | Emotionally compromised after realizing hot dogs are tech
April 25, 2026 — Sal 'The Shin-Splint' Moretti (Boca Raton)
Listen up, folks, because the evidence is staring you right in the phalanges! Have you ever wondered why the Miami Marlins cycle through pitching prospects faster than a Florida thunderstorm? It’s not
April 25, 2026 — Rusty Scupper (The Radio Shack Parking Lot)
Everyone wondered how it was possible. How does a man with eyes—presumably human eyes—miss a strike so badly that the ball actually hits the dirt in the opposite batter's box? Well, the StatCast 'Evol