TRUMP DEMANDS CEASEFIRE END BECAUSE PEACE IS 'BAD FOR RATINGS'
By Pris Wankerton (Boarded-Up Putt-Putt) — Wed, 22 Apr 2026 04:06:24 GMT
The former president and current frontrunner calls for an immediate resumption of global hostilities, citing a 'dangerous dip' in cable news viewership and a personal boredom with 'boring' diplomatic cables. Advocates for 'more booms, more zooms, and more ka-pows.'
""You look at the charts, and the peace is flatlining. Nobody’s watching! We need a season finale, and we need it to be bigly loud," the former president reportedly told a group of bewildered pigeons." — KEY SLUDGE FINDING
Speaking from a gold-plated podium located in the foyer of a failing shopping mall, former President Donald Trump officially called for the immediate dissolution of all international peace treaties. Trump argued that the recent lull in global conflict has led to a 'disastrous' decline in Nielsen ratings for major news networks, which he claims is a direct attack on the American spirit of being entertained by chaos.
"We have the best ceasefires, everyone says so. But they're boring. They're so boring!" Trump shouted over the sound of a nearby Orange Julius blender. "You look at the charts, and the peace is flatlining. Nobody’s watching! We need a season finale, and we need it to be bigly loud. I’ve seen the numbers. When there's no conflict, people start watching HGTV. Do you want to watch people renovate kitchens, or do you want to see the show of a lifetime?"
Trump’s 'War for Eyeballs' initiative proposes a rotating schedule of regional skirmishes designed to maximize prime-time coverage. According to a leaked memo titled 'The Art of the Explosion,' the plan involves pre-recorded pyrotechnics and 'dispute consultants' hired from the WWE to ensure that international disagreements have clear protagonists and villains.
"The ratings are in the toilet because there’s no suspense," Trump continued, gesturing wildly at a map of the Middle East that he had decorated with 'Coming Soon' stickers. "Peace is a low-energy product. It’s a flop. It’s like a Broadway play with no dancing. We need more booms, more zooms, and more ka-pows. We need to get the numbers back up to 2020 levels. Those were great numbers. Massive numbers."
Critics have pointed out that human lives are typically considered more valuable than a 2.4 share in the adult 18-49 demographic. However, the Trump campaign countered with a PowerPoint slide of a very steep mountain graph labeled 'AD REVENUE IF WE INVADE THE MOON.' Campaign aides were later seen handing out 'MAKE WAR LOUD AGAIN' hats to a confused group of tourists.
By late afternoon, the proposal had already gained traction among several cable news executives who, while publicly horrified, were privately checking the cost of renting armored satellite trucks. "Conflict is the engine of engagement," said one nameless executive. "If the President says we need a third act twist, who are we to argue with the narrative?"