MERCENARY D4VD PLEADS 'MOSTLY NOT GUILTY' TO CRIMES BY CITING HIS DELIGHTFUL FALSETTO AS AN ALIBI
By Regina 'Press-Pass' Pout (Velvet Rope Gaps) — Tue, 21 Apr 2026 04:05:53 GMT
The singer-songwriter’s legal team argues that it is physically impossible to commit a felony while maintaining such a smooth vocal range. Prosecutors counter that the death penalty is on the table, mostly because they find his bridge-to-chorus transitions 'criminally catchy.'
""My client's vocal cords were vibrating at a frequency of 440Hz at the time of the incident; had he pulled a trigger, he would have gone flat, which he simply never does," argued the defense." — KEY SLUDGE FINDING
In a courtroom that looked more like a VIP lounge at Coachella, the artist known as d4vd officially entered a plea of 'mostly not guilty' to a series of high-level felony charges, including murder and various sex crimes. The singer, clad in a silk pajama suit that cost more than a mid-sized sedan, spent most of the hearing humming several melodies that he claimed proved his innocence by virtue of their 'inherent moral purity.'
"Lyrical intent is the new DNA evidence," stated chief defense attorney F. Lee 'Auto-Tune' Bassington. "How could a man who sang 'Here With Me' be capable of malice? The human heart cannot house both a Grammy nomination and a desire for vehicular manslaughter. We are asking the jury to ignore the forensic evidence and focus instead on the way he hits that B4 in the second verse. If the note is pure, the man is secure."
Prosecutors, however, were not swayed by the acoustic performance. They presented a series of text messages in which d4vd allegedly asked an associate if 'snitching sounds better in a minor key.' The state is pushing for the death penalty, a move that critics say is purely an attempt by the District Attorney to get a signed vinyl copy during the discovery phase of the trial.
Judge Myra 'The Hammer' Stern looked on with visible irritation as the defense attempted to play a 45-minute concept album instead of presenting an alibi. "Mr. d4vd, this is a court of law, not a Tiny Desk Concert. You are accused of multiple capital offenses. Singing 'Romantic Homicide' is actually making the prosecution's job significantly easier. It's almost literally a confession."
The trial has been fast-tracked after d4vd requested a 'speedy verdict' so he wouldn't miss his headlining slot at a festival in Cabo. If convicted, his legal team has already prepared an appeal based on the theory that his prison cell has 'unacceptable acoustics' which would constitute cruel and unusual punishment under the Eighth Amendment.
TRENDING: Fans have started a petition to replace the jury with Spotify subscribers to ensure a 'more data-driven' verdict.