DEEZER REPLACES CEO WITH A RANDOM NUMBER GENERATOR AFTER AI SONGS OVERTAKE HUMAN MUSIC
By Clementine 'The Hook' Chord (Void-Filled Recording Booth) — Tue, 21 Apr 2026 04:05:53 GMT
With 98% of its library now consisting of 'Lo-Fi Chill Beats to File Taxes To' generated by a sentient toaster, the streaming platform has decided that human leadership is 'too melodic' for the current fiscal climate.
""Why pay a human to make a chorus when a script can simply repeat the word 'vortex' over a recording of a malfunctioning dishwasher?" asked the new algorithmically-generated PR bot." — KEY SLUDGE FINDING
The music streaming service Deezer officially surrendered to its robotic overlords this morning, announcing that 'Human Music' has been relegated to a legacy folder titled 'Vocal Cord Nostalgia.' The move comes after internal data revealed that the platform's top-performing artist of 2026 is an AI program called 'Static-Pulse-004,' which exclusively produces the sound of a hair dryer falling down a lift shaft.
Industry analysts have noted that the shift toward synthetic soundscapes has completely eliminated the need for troublesome things like 'talent' or 'royalties.' By replacing the C-suite with a basic RNG (Random Number Generator), Deezer hopes to streamline its operations to the point where the app doesn't actually play music, but merely simulates the feeling of having heard a song you didn't quite like three weeks ago.
"We found that humans were bringing too much 'emotion' and 'intentionality' to the platform, which really messed with our advertising algorithms," said a spokesperson who appeared to be a hologram of a generic office chair. "AI doesn't demand healthcare or ask for a percentage of the master recordings. It just churns out 400,000 tracks of 'Suburban Rain on a Tin Roof' and goes back to sleep. It’s the perfect employee, provided nobody spills water on the server."
The platform's new strategy involves a feature called 'Infinite Gray,' which uses a user's microphone to listen to their breathing and then generates a soundtrack that perfectly matches their respiratory rate, effectively turning the listener into their own boring instrument. Musicians' unions have protested the move, but their complaints were quickly sampled, auto-tuned, and released as a chart-topping EDM track titled 'Lament of the Unemployed Bassist.'
Legal experts are now questioning the copyright status of music created by machines that have been trained exclusively on the sound of other machines complaining about being machines. However, the Deezer RNG has already issued a statement in the form of a 12-hour drone symphony, suggesting that any lawsuits will be met with a 'disruptive wave of white noise' that will render all court proceedings unearable. As of press time, the company's stock has risen 400% on the news that they no longer employ anyone with a heartbeat.