THE PEOPLE'S SLUDGE
April 22, 2026 — Pris Wankerton (Boarded-Up Putt-Putt)
Speaking from a gold-plated podium located in the foyer of a failing shopping mall, former President Donald Trump officially called for the immediate dissolution of all international peace treaties. T
April 21, 2026 — Rusty 'Slicks' O'Malley (Oily Sand Trap)
In a move that has left international mediators questioning the very concept of reality, President Trump has officially added a 'Lubrication Clause' to the ongoing negotiations with Iran. According to
April 20, 2026 — Magnus T. Click (Dusty Charging Dock)
In a highly anticipated 'One More Thing' event that lasted roughly four days, Apple CEO Tim Cook finally pulled the veil back on Siri’s physical embodiment, revealing that the digital assistant is not
April 19, 2026 — Cornelius Quilt (Humming Server Rack)
In a move that has left geopolitical analysts reaching for their lithium prescriptions, President Trump announced this morning that Iran is no longer banned from any social media platforms, provided t
April 16, 2026 — Barnaby Nut-Huck (Hollowed Oak Trunk)
A series of catastrophic layoffs at Disney has inadvertently pulled the curtain back on Marvel Studios’ most guarded secret: the entire post-Endgame slate of the Marvel Cinematic Universe was written
April 15, 2026 — Brenda Fisk-Worthington, Palantir Surveillance Correspondent (Undisclosed Bunker, Palo Alto)
In a move that absolutely no one in Silicon Valley found contradictory, Palantir CEO Alex Karp — a man who personally holds THREE degrees including a doctorate from a German university — announced dur
April 14, 2026 — Dr. Petal Thistle (Sticky Linoleum Tile)
Walgreens Boots Alliance announced a sweeping 'Green Health' initiative this morning, confirming plans to phase out all human pharmacists by the end of the fiscal year in favor of high-performance hou
April 13, 2026 — Buck Nakedly (Gilded Gift Shop)
In an economic pivot that has left Wall Street quivering and the Federal Reserve questioning its own existence, Donald J. Trump has officially unveiled his "Series 4: Presidential Patriot Pogs" digita