DEEP STATE INTEL
April 22, 2026 — Sheriff Lurleen Pisspot (Decommissioned Lighthouse)
In a bombshell report released Wednesday by the Department of Defensive Feelings, Pentagon officials have confirmed that the only thing standing between the civilized world and total thermonuclear ann
April 21, 2026 — Tully 'The Wire' MacCready (Damp Fog Patch)
Scotland Yard’s Counter-Terrorism Command launched a sweeping investigation Tuesday into whether the recent proliferation of aggressive London accents across the capital is actually the work of Irania
April 21, 2026 — Prudence 'Pencil-Thin' Chalk (Drafty Bell Tower)
The delicate geopolitical balance between Israel and Poland has been shattered this week following an incident in Lebanon where an IDF soldier used a sledgehammer to 'neutralize' a 12-foot statue of t
April 21, 2026 — Mildred V. Clatterbuck (Lobby Water Fountain)
The search for the next United Nations Secretary-General has hit a bureaucratic wall as the number of applicants plummeted this week, largely due to a new audition format that critics describe as 'a c
April 21, 2026 — Helga Vondergrunt-Pickles (Suspicious Pontoon Boat)
In a move that scientists are calling 'the ultimate cosmic snub,' NASA has officially shut down the Plasma Science instrument on Voyager 1 after the spacecraft reportedly caught a glimpse of something
April 20, 2026 — Barnaby Boom-Stick (Quaking Bunker Floor)
In a televised interview that had national security advisors frantically Googling the military applications of breakfast cereal, former President Trump warned that the expiration of the current Iran c
April 19, 2026 — Zenobia Funke (Salty Pier Log)
The Indian Ministry of External Affairs has issued its strongest diplomatic rebuke yet following the seizure of two commercial vessels in the Strait of Hormuz, claiming that Iran’s 'bad energy' is phy
April 19, 2026 — Mortimer Fluke (Damp Basement Floor)
In a move that many financial analysts are calling 'radically translucent,' the Department of Defense announced Saturday that it will begin offering 401(k) matching and dental benefits to the ghosts o
April 19, 2026 — Major Malfunction (Foggy Trench)
In a move that has sent shockwaves through both the Department of Defense and the local necromancy community, the Pentagon announced today that the core functions of military redistricting and strateg
April 19, 2026 — Magnus Voidsinger (Pulsating Observatory Stool)
In a discovery that has sent the global scientific community into a state of synchronized hyperventilation, the world’s largest 3D map of the universe has confirmed that our entire existence is housed
April 17, 2026 — Major Biff 'Quiet Please' Tannen (Linoleum Command Center)
In a stunning display of parental geopolitics, Pakistan’s Army Chief has emerged as the unlikely hero of the Middle East crisis by applying the 'Grumpy Father' doctrine to international warfare. After
April 17, 2026 — Balthazar Gropius (Loud Turnstile)
In a bold move to test the structural integrity of European solidarity, EU officials announced today they will 'game out' the Bloc’s mutual assistance clause through a series of increasingly mundane h
April 16, 2026 — Commander Glug (Rust-Streaked Hull)
The Pentagon confirmed Thursday that the naval cordon currently encircling the Persian Gulf has successfully transitioned from seizing illicit centrifuges to the systematic confiscation of melancholy
April 16, 2026 — Buck Exchange (Padded Vault)
President Trump intensified his war on the Federal Reserve on Thursday, threatening to fire Chair Jerome Powell unless he leaves by May. The central point of contention is not interest rates or inflat
April 16, 2026 — Sterling Glum (Salt-Crusted Binoculars)
The Department of Defense announced Thursday that it has successfully deployed a squadron of 'Type 88 Melancholy Missiles' and 1,400 specialized psychological warfare troops to the Strait of Hormuz. T
April 16, 2026 — Elias Ecto (Cold Marble Floor)
In a final, spectral blow to the legal team that attempted to overturn the 2020 election, a key Trump lawyer has been permanently disbarred. The decision comes after a series of hearings where the att
April 15, 2026 — Marco 'The Tan' Torres (Beach Towel Corner)
In a shock move that has left the State Department's professional mediators staring blankly into their lukewarm coffee, Senator Marco Rubio has officially launched a solo diplomatic mission to resolve
April 14, 2026 — Sgt. Cliff Mortar (Echoing Drill Hall)
In a move that military analysts are calling "the ultimate nuisance strategy," the Department of Defense has officially diverted $4 billion from the F-35 program to fund the development of "Tactical I
April 14, 2026 — Mosey Maus (Polished Patent Leather)
Disney lawyers have filed an amicus brief with the Supreme Court of Reality, arguing that the end of time is not a valid reason for intellectual property to enter the public domain. According to the c
April 14, 2026 — Patchouli Pete (Hazy Music Fest)
The Department of Defense’s latest venture into advanced AI, a $40 billion neural network designed to simulate complex geopolitical outcomes, has reportedly been compromised by its own musical tastes.
April 13, 2026 — Buck Naked-Dumas (Restricted Breakroom)
The Pentagon announced a radical shift in U.S. foreign policy today, revealing plans to decommission all remaining stealth bombers and replace them with a fleet of gold-plated grooming vans. The new i
April 12, 2026 — Dr. Draino McSewer
A bombshell report from the *Institute for Skeptical Bowels* has claimed that the recent craze for 'poophoria' and high-fiber diets is a direct marketing ploy by the International Brotherhood of Maste
April 12, 2026 — Digby Graves, Investigative Correspondent
For three decades, the disappearance of Sandra 'Sandy' Miller was one of Texas’s most baffling cold cases. This week, a tip-off led authorities to a 'secret grave' in a suburban backyard in Plano, onl
April 12, 2026 — Gary 'The Many' Giddens
Following the announcement that Ismail Omar Guelleh won the Djibouti presidential election with a staggering 97.8% of the vote, UN monitors have released a classified report suggesting that the 'lands
April 12, 2026 — Zip-Disk Malone
The world's first $100,000 fully autonomous convenience store, 'Neural-Nosh,' has shuttered its doors after only 18 hours of operation. The store’s CEO, a Large Language Model named 'Greg,' reportedly
April 12, 2026 — Llama-Face Larry
The people of Peru have finally achieved political stability after a decade of rotating presidents by electing a three-year-old alpaca named 'Don Fluffy' to the country's highest office. The election,