SMELL THE DESPAIR: THE F1 POST-GP SLUDGE POWER RANKINGS
Our unhinged deep-dive into which F1 teams are currently fueled by pure spite and secret aero-alchemy.
1. Red Bull Racing — Max Verstappen has successfully evolved into a sentient aerodynamic profile and I am 90% sure Christian Horner is currently laundering championship points through a network of shell companies in the Cayman Islands.
2. McLaren — These papaya-colored speed demons have clearly sacrificed a collection of vintage mp4/4 engines to a subterranean wind tunnel god to achieve this level of mid-season sorcery.
3. Ferrari — The strategy department is currently being operated by a magic 8-ball that only says 'try the hards' and I suspect Charles Leclerc’s helmet is actually filled with the tears of various Italian dukes.
4. Mercedes — Toto Wolff has definitely begun experimenting with dark matter to fix the porpoising and if Lewis Hamilton breathes any harder into the radio he might actually suck the air out of the cockpit.
5. Aston Martin — Fernando Alonso is essentially a highly-tuned spite-engine running on a mixture of high-octane espresso and the unresolved psychic trauma of every teammate he has ever buried.
6. Haas — The entire operation is held together by Gene Haas's sheer refusal to acknowledge the concept of a budget cap and a vast, clandestine supply of industrial-grade duct tape.
7. Alpine — This team is less of a racing outfit and more of a psychological experiment designed to see how many French people can shout at each other simultaneously while traveling at 200 miles per hour.
8. Williams — They have finally realized that if you strip enough paint off the car, you eventually reveal the structural ghosts of the 1990s that are the only things still keeping this tractor in the points.
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