LABOR SECRETARY LORI CHAVEZ-DEREMER RESIGNS AFTER ALLEGATIONS SHE FED TOP-SECRET DOCUMENTS TO CABINET ROOM TERMITS
By Cleavon Sniggers, MFA (Damp Convention Center Carpet) — Tue, 21 Apr 2026 04:05:53 GMT
The embattled Secretary reportedly viewed the wood-eating insects as a 'strategic consultancy' capable of digesting sensitive trade policy. Internal memos suggest the termites were being groomed for a promotion to Deputy Undersecretary of Infrastructure.
""We suspect the termites were actually working for a rival carpentry firm in Maryland, though the Secretary insists they were just 'very focused listeners' who appreciated her style."" — KEY SLUDGE FINDING
In a shock move that has sent ripples through the Department of Labor, Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer announced her resignation Tuesday morning following a scathing internal investigation into her choice of confidants. Sources close to the Secretary indicate that Chavez-DeRemer had allegedly been hosting private 'policy briefings' for a colony of subterranean termites dwelling within the floorboards of the historic Frances Perkins Building.
The allegations, first brought to light by a confused janitorial staffer, suggest that the Secretary had been feeding high-level misconduct reports and unreleased labor statistics directly into the colony's main nesting site. According to eyewitness accounts, Chavez-DeRemer was frequently heard whispering 'chew on that' while sliding classified folders into a crack beneath her mahogany desk. The Secretary has denied any intentional wrongdoing, claiming she was merely participating in a 'biomimetic restructuring' of the department's information flow.
"The Secretary believed the wood-eating insects possessed a collective intelligence that human labor analysts lacked," said Dr. Barnaby Spratt, Chief Executive of the Bureau of Bureaucracy and Bug Watching. "She reportedly became convinced that if the termites could successfully dismantle a structural beam, they could certainly find the loopholes in a federal minimum wage bill. It was a bold, albeit highly illegal, experiment in inter-species governance that has unfortunately ended with the destruction of several original copies of the Taft-Hartley Act."
Interim reports suggest that the termites had become so accustomed to the steady diet of redacted documents that they began to exhibit signs of extreme partisanship, reportedly refusing to eat any memos issued by the Congressional Budget Office. The Labor Department’s basement is currently under quarantine as forensic entomologists attempt to retrieve bits of digitized trade data from the colony's digestive tracts. The scandal has left the administration scrambling to find a replacement who prefers human advisors over wood-boring pests.
"We are looking for a candidate who understands that the only thing supposed to be eaten at the Department of Labor is the overpriced cafeteria sushi," an anonymous White House spokesperson stated while frantically inspecting their own office chair for signs of infestation. Critics of Chavez-DeRemer argue that the 'Termite Strategy' was always doomed to fail, noting that the insects were never properly vetted for security clearances despite their obvious commitment to internal structural collapse.
As of Tuesday afternoon, the termite colony has been served with a formal subpoena, though legal experts doubt the insects will comply, citing their lack of opposable thumbs and an inherent bias toward cellulose-based evidence. Chavez-DeRemer is expected to enter the private sector, where she reportedly has several offers to consult for a luxury mulch manufacturer.