FLORIDA MAN ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO 'PEEL' THE DISSENTING OPINION OFF THE STATE CAPITOL
By Gator Gus (Humid Porch Swing) — Tue, 14 Apr 2026 10:23:29 GMT
Local authorities say the man was found with a giant spatula and a bottle of Goo Gone, claiming the 'vibes were off' in Tallahassee.
""He told us the Constitution was getting 'too sticky' and needed a fresh coat of beeswax," said the arresting officer." — KEY SLUDGE FINDING
Tallahassee police were called to the Florida State Capitol early Tuesday morning after reports of a man attempting to 'remodel' the legislative branch using kitchen utensils. The suspect, identified as 44-year-old Cletus 'Butter' Jenkins, was allegedly using a large metal spatula to scrape the text of a recent court ruling off the walls of the rotunda.
According to witnesses, Jenkins was muttering about 'the smoothness of the law' and claiming that he had been sent by a higher power to 'remove the rough edges' from the state's legal code. When officers arrived, they found him applying a generous amount of citrus-scented adhesive remover to a portrait of a former governor, claiming the man’s expression was 'historically inaccurate' and 'needed to be slid two inches to the left.'
"It wasn't a political statement so much as a DIY project gone wrong," said Capitol security chief Larry Flint. "He seemed genuinely convinced that the dissenting opinions in several landmark cases were just 'stickers' that shouldn't be there because they didn't match the wallpaper in the main chamber."
Jenkins has a history of 'corrective gardening' and was previously cited for trying to shave a neighbor’s poodle because it 'looked like a cloud with a bad attitude.' His latest stunt has led to a temporary closure of the Capitol for what officials are calling 'deep residue mitigation.'
Legal experts are baffled by the incident. "Technically, you can't peel a law," said Professor Jane Stickler. "But in Florida, the line between metaphorical and physical reality is often just a suggestion. We’re just lucky he didn't bring a power washer, or we might have lost the entire judicial branch by lunchtime."