https://www.sludgereport.news All the news that's unfit to print. en-us Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/local-trash-picker-recognized-as-elite-interior-designer-after-selling-rusty-bed https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/local-trash-picker-recognized-as-elite-interior-designer-after-selling-rusty-bed Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Pippa Pomp-and-Circumstance center In a stunning reversal of fortunes, 62-year-old dumpster diver Arthur 'Sticky' McGhee has been named 'Designer of the Year' by *Architectural Digest* after he successfully sold a tetanus-ridden bed frame he found behind a CVS to a high-ranking Google executive for $45,000. McGhee, who previously spe... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/amazon-announces-prime-extinction-for-1000-jef-bezos-will-personally-watch-your https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/amazon-announces-prime-extinction-for-1000-jef-bezos-will-personally-watch-your Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Gus 'Gasoline' Gable center Amazon continues its march toward total market dominance with its newest service, 'Prime-Extinction,' designed for the consumer who has everything and wants to end it with a bang. For a one-time fee of $1,000 (and an active Prime subscription), customers can schedule a 'Dignified Property Liquidatio... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/netflix-releases-the-binge-a-show-designed-to-be-so-boring-it-forces-you-to-fina https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/netflix-releases-the-binge-a-show-designed-to-be-so-boring-it-forces-you-to-fina Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Silas 'Screen-Time' Sludge center In a stunning departure from its usual 'engagement-at-all-costs' model, Netflix has released a 48-hour long original series titled *The Binge.* The show consists entirely of a static shot of a beige wall with a single fly intermittently walking across it. The audio is a low-frequency hum that has be... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/does-your-cat-have-main-character-syndrome-new-study-says-yes-and-he-hates-your https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/does-your-cat-have-main-character-syndrome-new-study-says-yes-and-he-hates-your Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Father Malachi Byte right A groundbreaking study from the Feline Behavioral Institute in Zurich has confirmed what millions of 'cat parents' have long suspected: your house cat is fully aware of its status as a 'Main Character' and views your daily activities—working, cleaning, crying—as 'unnecessary filler content in the st... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/california-to-mandate-vibe-insurance-for-all-first-date-encounters-after-spike-i https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/california-to-mandate-vibe-insurance-for-all-first-date-encounters-after-spike-i Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Trixie 'TikTok' Tannenbaum right The California State Assembly passed a landmark bill today requiring all residents to carry 'Vibe Insurance' before engaging in any first-date activity involving coffee, drinks, or 'walking through a park to see if there’s chemistry.' The law, titled the 'Emotional Liability and Spark Act' (ELSA), c... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/local-man-discovers-that-he-is-the-only-person-on-the-internet-who-isnt-a-bot-ha https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/local-man-discovers-that-he-is-the-only-person-on-the-internet-who-isnt-a-bot-ha Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Silas 'Screen-Time' Sludge right A 29-year-old data analyst in Seattle, Eric 'Glitch' Goodman, has confirmed through a series of increasingly desperate experiments that he is officially the last biological human on the World Wide Web. After noticing that every single comment on his recent 'Vacation Photos' was an AI-generated compl... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/chick-fil-a-to-begin-offering-spiritual-audits-with-every-spicy-chicken-deluxe-t https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/chick-fil-a-to-begin-offering-spiritual-audits-with-every-spicy-chicken-deluxe-t Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Wanda 'Waffle-Iron' Washington right In a move that further blurs the line between fast food and organized religion, Chick-fil-A has announced the rollout of its new 'Sanctified Service' program. Starting in 2026, customers will no longer simply order a meal; they will undergo a 30-second 'Spiritual Audit' at the drive-thru window cond... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/elite-silicon-valley-nursery-school-introduces-pre-natal-pitch-deck-classes-for https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/elite-silicon-valley-nursery-school-introduces-pre-natal-pitch-deck-classes-for Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Barnaby 'Buzzkill' Higgins right The ultra-exclusive 'Acorn-to-Unicorn' academy in Palo Alto has taken 'early education' to its biological limit by introducing a new curriculum designed for children who haven't even been born yet. The 'Pre-Natal Pitch' program uses high-frequency bone-conduction speakers placed against the mother’s... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-study-finds-100-of-florida-men-are-actually-a-single-semi-sentient-lizard-hi https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-study-finds-100-of-florida-men-are-actually-a-single-semi-sentient-lizard-hi Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Gus 'Gasoline' Gable right In a discovery that explains decades of bizarre headlines and questionable choices involving meth and alligators, biologists at the University of Miami have revealed that the 'Florida Man' is not a collection of individuals, but a single, 15-million-member hive-mind controlled by a giant, ancient li... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/ai-bot-x-optimus-7-discovers-new-color-called-ultra-greed-only-visible-to-top-1 https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/ai-bot-x-optimus-7-discovers-new-color-called-ultra-greed-only-visible-to-top-1 Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Bort McFlannel, Senior Sludge Correspondent right In a display of 'Generative Creativity' that has physically disrupted the visible spectrum, a high-end AI processor in Palo Alto has synthesized a 'New Color' that exists outside the traditional Roy G. Biv framework. The color, which the AI named 'Ultra-Greed,' is vibrating at a frequency so high th... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/tiktok-trend-core-core-declared-new-state-religion-of-estonia https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/tiktok-trend-core-core-declared-new-state-religion-of-estonia Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Chet Thundergulch III ticker The Baltic nation of Estonia has officially abandoned its traditional Lutheran roots in favor of 'Core-Core,' a social media aesthetic characterized by hyper-edited, schizophrenic montages of movie clips, news footage, and industrial noise. The Estonian parliament, which consists of 40% AI drones an... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-bill-would-require-all-us-citizens-to-have-at-least-one-cancellable-opinion https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-bill-would-require-all-us-citizens-to-have-at-least-one-cancellable-opinion Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Wanda 'Waffle-Iron' Washington ticker In a desperate attempt to boost the 'Social Media Engagement' of the American public, a bipartisan group of senators has introduced the 'Opinion Diversity and Conflict Act.' The bill mandates that every U.S. citizen over the age of 18 must hold and publicly defend at least one 'Objectively Toxic or ... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/scientists-warn-the-earths-core-has-stopped-spinning-and-is-now-just-vibing-to-a https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/scientists-warn-the-earths-core-has-stopped-spinning-and-is-now-just-vibing-to-a Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Barnaby 'Buzzkill' Higgins ticker Seismologists at NASA and MIT have issued a terrifying, if somewhat relaxing, report stating that the Earth's inner core has completely ceased its traditional magnetic rotation. Instead, the core has entered a state of 'static chill,' synchronized perfectly with the rhythmic vibrations of a popular ... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/local-area-man-convinced-nintendo-is-tracking-his-dreams-to-develop-animal-cross https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/local-area-man-convinced-nintendo-is-tracking-his-dreams-to-develop-animal-cross Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Silas 'Screen-Time' Sludge left A 34-year-old freelance graphic designer in Columbus, Ohio, has gone into hiding after claiming that his dreams have been 'optimized for the Mario ecosystem.' Kevin Plinth says he woke up three nights ago with a vivid memory of a digital raccoon, similar to Tom Nook, taxing his REM sleep. 'He told m... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/pope-francis-canonizes-first-ai-saint-a-chatbot-that-told-4000-people-to-just-br https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/pope-francis-canonizes-first-ai-saint-a-chatbot-that-told-4000-people-to-just-br Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Father Malachi Byte left In a historic ceremony at the Vatican, Pope Francis has officially declared 'Saint GPT-4o' the patron saint of Technical Support and Unresolved Existential Dread. The chatbot, which was installed in a Roman cathedral back in 2024 to handle overflow confessions, reportedly performed 'three digital mi... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/tesla-announces-cyber-coffin-with-fsd-owner-buried-in-wrong-state-after-critical https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/tesla-announces-cyber-coffin-with-fsd-owner-buried-in-wrong-state-after-critical Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Sterling Silver-Tongue left The funeral industry was disrupted—quite literally—this week as Tesla unveiled the 'Gen-X Cyber-Coffin,' a stainless steel, wedge-shaped vessel designed to transition owners into the afterlife with 'unmatched aesthetic efficiency.' The coffin, which features a 17-inch touchscreen for 'post-life stre... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/mcdonalds-to-replace-all-cashiers-with-sentient-depression-to-match-customer-vib https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/mcdonalds-to-replace-all-cashiers-with-sentient-depression-to-match-customer-vib Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Biff 'Deep-Fryer' Malone left In a bold move toward radical corporate authenticity, McDonald’s Corp. has announced it will phase out its remaining human workers and AI kiosks in favor of a new proprietery technology: 'Sentient Depression.' The new interface, known as 'McGloom,' involves a semi-permeable cloud of gray mist hoveri... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-smart-bath-app-allows-you-to-monetize-your-pruny-finger-skin-as-nfts https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-smart-bath-app-allows-you-to-monetize-your-pruny-finger-skin-as-nfts Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Tiffany Doomscroll-Huffington ticker Silicon Valley continues to find ways to extract value from the human biological experience with the launch of 'Prunr,' a new app that uses high-resolution photography to scan the 'pruniness' of your fingers after a long bath and mint the unique patterns as 'Tactile-NFTs.' The app, founded by a form... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/goldman-sachs-to-replace-interns-with-sentient-jars-of-mayonnaise-to-improve-cor https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/goldman-sachs-to-replace-interns-with-sentient-jars-of-mayonnaise-to-improve-cor Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Dr. Reginald Spongebath, Esq. ticker The 'culture change' initiative at Goldman Sachs has reached its logical, egg-based conclusion. Following a series of high-profile lawsuits involving 'excessively high-pressure work environments,' the investment bank has announced it will replace its 2026 summer intern cohort with several thousand j... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-app-block-chain-smoker-allows-users-to-virtually-inhale-other-peoples-second https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-app-block-chain-smoker-allows-users-to-virtually-inhale-other-peoples-second Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Pippa Pomp-and-Circumstance left Silicon Valley’s latest unicorn, 'Huffnr,' has launched an innovative new feature called 'Block-Chain-Smoker,' which uses haptic feedback and localized ultrasonic heaters to simulate the physical experience of inhaling the stress of a failing NFT portfolio. The app, which has already reached #1 on t... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/scientists-accidentally-create-super-woke-fruit-fly-that-refuses-to-be-studied-w https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/scientists-accidentally-create-super-woke-fruit-fly-that-refuses-to-be-studied-w Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Barnaby 'Buzzkill' Higgins left A laboratory at Berkeley has been forced to shut down after a genetic engineering experiment resulted in a colony of *Drosophila melanogaster* that has developed a complex sense of social justice and a refusal to participate in the scientific method. The flies, which were being studied for their res... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/congressional-hearing-held-to-determine-if-taco-bells-big-cheez-it-is-a-constitu https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/congressional-hearing-held-to-determine-if-taco-bells-big-cheez-it-is-a-constitu Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Wanda 'Waffle-Iron' Washington left In a surreal display of legislative theater, the House Committee on Oversight and Reform met today to debate the legal status of the 'The Big Cheez-It,' a massive cracker currently being served at Taco Bell locations nationwide. The issue arose after a sovereign citizen in Texas argued that the crac... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/local-mom-becomes-billionaire-after-discovering-that-2026-house-prices-are-actua https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/local-mom-becomes-billionaire-after-discovering-that-2026-house-prices-are-actua Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Tiffany Doomscroll-Huffington center In an accidental economic revelation that has sent the global markets into a tailspin, 54-year-old Susan Miller of suburban Des Moines has become the world’s richest person after finding a holographic 'Slammer' in her attic. The discovery occurred when Miller attempted to use the 1990s relic to leve... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-poll-78-of-americans-prefer-a-benevolent-ai-overlord-to-anyone-currently-in https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-poll-78-of-americans-prefer-a-benevolent-ai-overlord-to-anyone-currently-in Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Dr. Reginald Spongebath, Esq. center The latest Sludge/Gallup poll has sent shockwaves through the Washington establishment, revealing that a vast majority of the American electorate would rather be governed by a semi-sentient algorithm named 'The Optimization' than any of the 535 humans currently residing in the Capitol. The poll, whi... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/harvard-study-sitting-is-the-new-smoking-but-standing-is-the-new-being-an-insidi https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/harvard-study-sitting-is-the-new-smoking-but-standing-is-the-new-being-an-insidi Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Chet Thundergulch III center A controversial new study from Harvard University’s Department of Kinetic Judgment has found that while the health risks of 'sitting' are comparable to smoking two packs of unfiltered Camels a day, the social risks of 'standing' are significantly worse. The report, titled *The Upright Ego: Why Your ... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-york-times-to-sunset-alphabet-will-publish-exclusively-in-emojis-and-wordle https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-york-times-to-sunset-alphabet-will-publish-exclusively-in-emojis-and-wordle Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Tiffany Doomscroll-Huffington center In a desperate bid to capture the 'attention-deficient-crypto-brain' demographic, the New York Times has announced it will officially retire the Latin alphabet as its primary mode of communication. Beginning June 1st, all reporting—from international conflicts to local bake sales—will be conducted t... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/brooklyn-barista-reveals-that-oat-milk-is-actually-just-pressed-cardboard-and-li https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/brooklyn-barista-reveals-that-oat-milk-is-actually-just-pressed-cardboard-and-li Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Bort McFlannel, Senior Sludge Correspondent center The 'Oat Milk Renaissance' came to a screeching, curdled halt this morning when a whistleblower from a popular Williamsburg coffee shop revealed that the 'creamy, sustainable' alternative is actually produced by soaking Amazon delivery boxes in industrial-grade tap water and blending them with 'unre... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/tiktok-ghost-stare-trend-leads-to-400-dead-gen-z-declared-legally-un-hauntable-b https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/tiktok-ghost-stare-trend-leads-to-400-dead-gen-z-declared-legally-un-hauntable-b Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Trixie 'TikTok' Tannenbaum center A new social media trend known as 'The Ghost-Stare'—in which users film themselves staring blankly into the middle distance while an actual demonic entity attempts to possess them—has resulted in a minor national emergency and a surprising theological ruling from Rome. The trend, which began as a wa... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-smart-air-tech-allows-landlords-to-tax-brain-oxygen-based-on-tenants-total-h https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-smart-air-tech-allows-landlords-to-tax-brain-oxygen-based-on-tenants-total-h Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Barnaby 'Bellows' Blackstone center In a revolutionary breakthrough for the 'Rent-Seeker' economy, a New York-based startup called 'Hemo-Wealth' has partnered with major real estate conglomerates to install 'Smart-Air' molecular gates in luxury apartment complexes. The technology utilizes microscopic sensors that can detect the financ... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/the-sludge-review-i-spent-48-hours-in-the-meta-dungeon-and-all-i-got-was-this-ha https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/the-sludge-review-i-spent-48-hours-in-the-meta-dungeon-and-all-i-got-was-this-ha Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Bort McFlannel, Senior Sludge Correspondent column Last week, I was invited to a 'beta-test' of Mark Zuckerberg’s newest 'immersive social experience,' the Meta-Dungeon. Promoted as a 'gamified wellness retreat' where physical sensation is mapped 1:1 with digital combat, I expected a fun weekend of low-stakes LARP-ing. What I got was a psychological... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/sludge-lifestyle-how-to-achieve-maximum-ennui-in-your-smart-studio-apartment https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/sludge-lifestyle-how-to-achieve-maximum-ennui-in-your-smart-studio-apartment Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Tiffany Doomscroll-Huffington column Welcome to 'The Void-Life,' the column where we discuss how to turn your clinical depression into a high-end personal brand. Today, we’re talking about the 'Smart-Studio Aesthetic.' With 2026 rent prices averaging $6,000 for a space the size of a microwave box, you shouldn't just be 'living' in your... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/elon-musk-buys-the-concept-of-sadness-rebrands-it-as-x-melancholy-with-a-12-mont https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/elon-musk-buys-the-concept-of-sadness-rebrands-it-as-x-melancholy-with-a-12-mont Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Dr. Reginald Spongebath, Esq. left In his most ambitious acquisition since the Moon, tech mogul Elon Musk has officially purchased the global intellectual property rights to the human emotion known as 'sadness' for an undisclosed sum of Dogecoin. The emotion, now legally rebranded as 'X-Melancholy,' will no longer be available for fr... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/surgeon-general-discovers-that-95-of-american-heart-disease-is-actually-just-unr https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/surgeon-general-discovers-that-95-of-american-heart-disease-is-actually-just-unr Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Brenda Wombatsquat left A shocking report released by the Office of the Surgeon General has revealed that the leading cause of death in America is not, in fact, diet or lifestyle, but the literal accumulation of 'digital ghosts' within the left ventricle. According to the study, every time a user scrolls past a cringe-indu... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/florida-man-accidentally-elected-king-of-new-zealand-after-misclicking-terms-and https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/florida-man-accidentally-elected-king-of-new-zealand-after-misclicking-terms-and Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Gus 'Gasoline' Gable left In what is being described as the 'Dumbest Diplomatic Incident of the 21st Century,' local Clearwater resident Dale 'The Hammer' Higgins has been legally recognized as the Sovereign Monarch of New Zealand. The oversight occurred during a spring break trip to Rotorua, where Higgins attempted to rent ... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/florida-governor-proposes-revolutionary-tarpon-based-economy-to-combat-inflation https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/florida-governor-proposes-revolutionary-tarpon-based-economy-to-combat-inflation Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Gus 'Gasoline' Gable ticker In a speech delivered from the top of a slow-moving airboat, the Governor of Florida unveiled a plan to officially detach the state’s economy from the U.S. Dollar and replace it with 'Tarpon-Backing.' Under the new 'Scales and Tales' act, all Florida state taxes must be paid in either 'Premium Game ... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/mars-rover-perseverance-discovers-ancient-alien-arbys-sign-nasa-concludes-univer https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/mars-rover-perseverance-discovers-ancient-alien-arbys-sign-nasa-concludes-univer Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Barnaby 'Buzzkill' Higgins ticker At a high-level briefing today, NASA scientists revealed a series of high-definition images sent back from the Perseverance Rover that show a weathered, ten-foot-tall sign in the shape of a cowboy hat, bearing the unmistakable logo of the Arby's restaurant chain. The sign, which dates back approxima... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/sludge-opinion-why-the-coming-great-extinction-is-actually-giving-cozy-summer-ca https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/sludge-opinion-why-the-coming-great-extinction-is-actually-giving-cozy-summer-ca Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Tiffany Doomscroll-Huffington column Let’s be real: we’ve been hearing about the end of the world for decades, and quite frankly, the pacing is terrible. But as we finally approach the actual, literal 'Great Extinction' scheduled for next Thursday at 3 PM ET, I’ve noticed a shift in the collective consciousness. People aren't panicking... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/pentagon-to-deploy-5000-combat-ready-wellness-influencers-to-pacify-south-china https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/pentagon-to-deploy-5000-combat-ready-wellness-influencers-to-pacify-south-china Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Chet Thundergulch III top In a move that has left traditional military strategists weeping into their star-spangled napkins, the U.S. Department of Defense announced Thursday the formation of the 1st Battalion Tactical Aesthetic (BTA). This elite unit, consisting primarily of 4-unit-per-day Pilates instructors and men who de... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/federal-reserve-raises-interest-rates-to-infinity-percent-to-finally-stop-people https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/federal-reserve-raises-interest-rates-to-infinity-percent-to-finally-stop-people Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Bort McFlannel, Senior Sludge Correspondent banner In a drastic attempt to curb the 400% inflation spike of the last three weeks, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell emerged from a sensory deprivation tank this morning to announce that interest rates would be raised to 'Infinity Percent.' The move, which effectively makes the act of borrowing mon... https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-york-city-to-replace-entire-bronx-population-with-sophisticated-lattice-base https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-york-city-to-replace-entire-bronx-population-with-sophisticated-lattice-base Sat, 11 Apr 2026 15:43:34 GMT Tiffany Doomscroll-Huffington banner Mayor Eric Adams announced a groundbreaking urban revitalization plan Tuesday that involves the gradual deportation of the Bronx’s 1.4 million residents to make room for a more 'efficient' population of stationary AI servers housed in human-sized polycarbonate shells. The initiative, titled 'Project...