https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/the-sludge-review-the-pitt-season-2-finale-is-the-only-thing-louder-than-an The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z THE SLUDGE REVIEW: 'THE PITT' SEASON 2 FINALE IS THE ONLY THING LOUDER THAN AN ACTUAL COAL MINE COLLAPSE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/opinion-why-my-horoscope-says-i-should-be-allowed-to-commit-perjury-on-fridays The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z OPINION: WHY MY HOROSCOPE SAYS I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO COMMIT PERJURY ON FRIDAYS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/myanmar-refugees-attempt-to-reach-australia-by-fastening-4000-discarded-pint The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z MYANMAR REFUGEES ATTEMPT TO REACH AUSTRALIA BY FASTENING 4,000 DISCARDED PINT GLASSES TOGETHER INTO A 'DRUNKEN RAFT' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/new-drug-that-replaces-brain-amyloid-with-ranch-dressing-found-to-have-absent The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z NEW DRUG THAT REPLACES BRAIN AMYLOID WITH RANCH DRESSING FOUND TO HAVE 'ABSENT OR TRIVIAL' EFFECTS ON MEMORY https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/australian-ex-soldier-roberts-smith-granted-bail-immediately-attempts-to-annex The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z AUSTRALIAN EX-SOLDIER ROBERTS-SMITH GRANTED BAIL, IMMEDIATELY ATTEMPTS TO ANNEX HIS OWN DRIVEWAY https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/trump-officials-discover-anthropics-mythos-ai-is-just-a-guy-named-doug-sitting The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z TRUMP OFFICIALS DISCOVER ANTHROPIC'S 'MYTHOS' AI IS JUST A GUY NAMED DOUG SITTING IN A DARK ROOM WITH AN ENCYCLOPEDIA https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/paige-bueckers-accused-of-fedding-an-ugly-narrative-by-refusing-to-blink-in The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z PAIGE BUECKERS ACCUSED OF 'FEDDING AN UGLY NARRATIVE' BY REFUSING TO BLINK IN SYNCH WITH AZZI FUDD https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/osmo-pocket-4-to-be-repurposed-as-a-high-tech-spatula-following-us-ban The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z OSMO POCKET 4 TO BE REPURPOSED AS A HIGH-TECH SPATULA FOLLOWING US BAN https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/severe-storm-outbreak-to-bring-hurricane-level-gossip-to-the-midwest The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z SEVERE STORM OUTBREAK TO BRING 'HURRICANE-LEVEL GOSSIP' TO THE MIDWEST https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/european-coalition-to-reopen-strait-of-hormuz-by-deploying-the-worlds-largest The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z EUROPEAN COALITION TO REOPEN STRAIT OF HORMUZ BY DEPLOYING 'THE WORLD'S LARGEST TUG-OF-WAR TEAM' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/nior-scientists-confirm-the-universe-is-a-3d-dark-energy-map-that-looks The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z NIOR SCIENTISTS CONFIRM THE UNIVERSE IS A '3D DARK ENERGY MAP' THAT LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A DENNY'S PLACEMAT https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/new-bill-would-require-surgeons-to-perform-quintuple-taps-during-procedures-to The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z NEW BILL WOULD REQUIRE SURGEONS TO PERFORM 'QUINTUPLE TAPS' DURING PROCEDURES TO ENSURE PATIENTS ARE 'REALLY, REALLY DECEASED' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/singer-d4vd-arrested-after-police-reveal-his-lyrics-were-actually-1-to-1 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z SINGER D4VD ARRESTED AFTER POLICE REVEAL HIS LYRICS WERE ACTUALLY 1-to-1 COORDINATES TO A CRIME SCENE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/viktor-orbn-declares-end-of-political-era-announces-new-career-as-a-competitive The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z VIKTOR ORBÁN DECLARES 'END OF POLITICAL ERA,' ANNOUNCES NEW CAREER AS A COMPETITIVE DUST-MITTE BREEDER https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/netflix-shares-plummet-after-reed-hastings-reveals-he-is-departing-to-become-a The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z NETFLIX SHARES PLUMMET AFTER REED HASTINGS REVEALS HE IS DEPARTING TO BECOME A FULL-TIME GHOST https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/sabres-bruins-playoff-series-to-be-decided-by-which-fanbase-can-remain-sober The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z SABRES-BRUINS PLAYOFF SERIES TO BE DECIDED BY WHICH FANBASE CAN REMAIN SOBER LONGEST DURING OVERTIME https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/justin-fairfax-to-be-buried-in-a-specially-designed-self-contained-disgrace The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z JUSTIN FAIRFAX TO BE BURIED IN A SPECIALLY DESIGNED 'SELF-CONTAINED DISGRACE CHAMBER' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/starter-elects-to-fire-civil-servant-after-discovering-they-own-a-coffee-mug The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z STARTER ELECTS TO FIRE CIVIL SERVANT AFTER DISCOVERING THEY OWN A COFFEE MUG THAT 'LOOKS LIKE A MANDELSON' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/study-the-best-time-to-exercise-for-blood-sugar-control-is-314-am-during-a The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z STUDY: THE BEST TIME TO EXERCISE FOR BLOOD SUGAR CONTROL IS 3:14 AM DURING A FEVER DREAM https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/olivia-rodrigo-gets-versailles-to-herself-immediately-declares-the-french The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z OLIVIA RODRIGO GETS VERSAILLES TO HERSELF, IMMEDIATELY DECLARES 'THE FRENCH REVOLUTION HAD BIG MAIN CHARACTER ENERGY' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/new-app-store-update-moves-the-update-button-to-the-inside-of-your-own-colon The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z NEW APP STORE UPDATE MOVES THE 'UPDATE' BUTTON TO THE INSIDE OF YOUR OWN COLON https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/2-black-holes-to-collide-in-100-years-earth-to-be-replaced-by-a-very-large-out The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z 2 BLACK HOLES TO COLLIDE IN 100 YEARS, EARTH TO BE REPLACED BY A VERY LARGE 'OUT OF OFFICE' REPLY https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/ice-director-to-leave-agency-to-pursue-lifelong-dream-of-getting-stuck-in-an The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z ICE DIRECTOR TO LEAVE AGENCY TO PURSUE LIFELONG DREAM OF GETTING STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR WITH AN UNRECOGNIZED NATION https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/pulp-fiction-prayer-scandal-pete-hegseth-accused-of-accidentally-exorcising-a The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z PULP FICTION PRAYER SCANDAL: PETE HEGSETH ACCUSED OF ACCIDENTALLY EXORCISING A HAM SANDWICH https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/missing-oregon-family-found-after-70-years-disappointed-to-learn-about-the The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z MISSING OREGON FAMILY FOUND AFTER 70 YEARS, DISAPPOINTED TO LEARN ABOUT THE TIKTOK https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/mike-trout-reminds-world-of-his-greatness-by-hitting-home-run-so-hard-it The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z MIKE TROUT REMINDS WORLD OF HIS GREATNESS BY HITTING HOME RUN SO HARD IT DISLODGES A 1958 MISSING PERSONS CASE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/new-bill-would-require-airline-passengers-to-run-in-place-on-tarmac-to The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z NEW BILL WOULD REQUIRE AIRLINE PASSENGERS TO RUN IN PLACE ON TARMAC TO KINETICALLY GENERATE JET FUEL https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/study-finds-colon-cancer-deaths-higher-in-less-educated-people-likely-because The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z STUDY FINDS COLON CANCER DEATHS HIGHER IN LESS EDUCATED PEOPLE, LIKELY BECAUSE THEY DON'T RECOGNIZE THE 'SOPHISTICATED' TEXTURE OF A TUMOR https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/canada-post-to-replace-home-delivery-with-the-gauntlet-a-neighborhood-wide The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z CANADA POST TO REPLACE HOME DELIVERY WITH 'THE GAUNTLET,' A NEIGHBORHOOD-WIDE SCAVENGER HUNT https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/google-photos-ai-now-reproducing-your-dead-grandfather-into-an-uncomfortable-ad The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z GOOGLE PHOTOS AI NOW REPRODUCING YOUR DEAD GRANDFATHER INTO AN UNCOMFORTABLE AD FOR JETBLUE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/trump-advises-hezbollah-to-be-nicer-and-perhaps-try-a-gingham-pocket-square-to The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z TRUMP ADVISES HEZBOLLAH TO BE 'NICER' AND PERHAPS TRY A GINGHAM POCKET SQUARE TO SOFTEN THEIR IMAGE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/iranian-naval-commanders-accidentally-invent-the-worlds-largest-floating The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z IRANIAN NAVAL COMMANDERS ACCIDENTALLY INVENT 'THE WORLD’S LARGEST FLOATING TAILGATE' IN STRAIT OF HORMUZ https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/nasa-admits-lunar-landing-is-absolutely-doable-if-the-moon-would-just-stop The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z NASA ADMITS LUNAR LANDING IS 'ABSOLUTELY DOABLE' IF THE MOON WOULD JUST STOP MOVING FOR FIVE SECONDS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/iphone-17-pro-max-now-self-heals-scratches-by-consuming-nearby-android-devices The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z IPHONE 17 PRO MAX NOW 'SELF-HEALS' SCRATCHES BY CONSUMING NEARBY ANDROID DEVICES https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/sabres-fans-warned-that-stanley-cup-playoffs-are-not-a-mission-to-the-moon The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z SABRES FANS WARNED THAT STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS ARE NOT A MISSION TO THE MOON, DESPITE SIMILAR LEVELS OF DISBELIEF https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/congress-extends-surveillance-powers-for-10-days-after-revealing-they-just-like The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z CONGRESS EXTENDS SURVEILLANCE POWERS FOR 10 DAYS AFTER REVEALING THEY JUST LIKE WATCHING YOU EAT COUSCOUS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/sludge-lifestyle-how-to-replicate-the-versailles-is-mine-vibe-without-actually The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z SLUDGE LIFESTYLE: HOW TO REPLICATE THE 'VERSAILLES IS MINE' VIBE WITHOUT ACTUALLY BEING OLIVIA RODRIGO https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/sperm-whales-comfirmed-to-have-complex-alphabet-mostly-consisting-of-slurs-for The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T11:01:01.457Z SPERM WHALES COMFIRMED TO HAVE COMPLEX ALPHABET, MOSTLY CONSISTING OF SLURS FOR JET SKIERS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/mike-trout-hits-ball-so-hard-it-reveals-new-dimension-where-angels-actually The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z MIKE TROUT HITS BALL SO HARD IT REVEALS NEW DIMENSION WHERE ANGELS ACTUALLY MAKE THE PLAYOFFS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/the-sludge-review-i-tried-nasas-moon-trampoline-training-and-all-i-got-was-this The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z THE SLUDGE REVIEW: I TRIED NASA'S 'MOON-TRAMPOLINE' TRAINING AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS CONCUSSION AND A SENSE OF SPIRITUAL ASCENSION https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/congress-votes-to-renew-surveillance-powers-but-only-for-the-purpose-of The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z CONGRESS VOTES TO RENEW SURVEILLANCE POWERS BUT ONLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF WATCHING 'THE BEAR' SEASON 4 SPOILERS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/sperm-whales-discovered-to-have-40-different-words-for-squid-and-one-specific The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z SPERM WHALES DISCOVERED TO HAVE 40 DIFFERENT WORDS FOR 'SQUID' AND ONE SPECIFIC SLUR FOR ELON MUSK https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/jet-fuel-shortage-forces-airlines-to-ask-passengers-to-think-flapping-thoughts The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z JET FUEL SHORTAGE FORCES AIRLINES TO ASK PASSENGERS TO 'THINK FLAPPING THOUGHTS' DURING TAKEOFF https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/anthropic-develops-mythos-ai-for-government-a-model-trained-entirely-on-ancient The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z ANTHROPIC DEVELOPS 'MYTHOS' AI FOR GOVERNMENT: A MODEL TRAINED ENTIRELY ON ANCIENT GREEK DRAMA AND PENTAGON LEAKS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/trump-sues-to-allow-gold-plated-chandelier-installation-in-middle-of-white The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z TRUMP SUES TO ALLOW 'GOLD-PLATED CHANDELIER' INSTALLATION IN MIDDLE OF WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING ROOM https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/ice-director-resigns-to-pursue-dream-of-relentlessly-auditing-his-own-local-pta The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z ICE DIRECTOR RESIGNS TO PURSUE DREAM OF RELENTLESSLY AUDITING HIS OWN LOCAL PTA https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/pete-hegseth-apologizes-for-pulp-fiction-prayer-i-thought-samuel-l-jackson-was The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z PETE HEGSETH APOLOGIZES FOR 'PULP FICTION' PRAYER: 'I THOUGHT SAMUEL L. JACKSON WAS AN OLD TESTAMENT SCHOLAR' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/colon-cancer-deaths-higher-in-people-who-didnt-get-to-do-the-cool-science-fair The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z COLON CANCER DEATHS HIGHER IN PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T GET TO DO THE 'COOL' SCIENCE FAIR EXPERIMENTS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/christina-applegate-hospitalized-after-witnessing-one-second-of-a-tiktok-gen The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z CHRISTINA APPLEGATE HOSPITALIZED AFTER WITNESSING ONE SECOND OF A TIKTOK 'GEN ALPHA' SLANG TUTORIAL https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/austrian-ex-soldier-granted-bail-on-condition-he-does-not-enter-any-games The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z AUSTRIAN EX-SOLDIER GRANTED BAIL ON CONDITION HE DOES NOT ENTER ANY 'GAMES WORKSHOP' STORES https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/stephen-colbert-declares-himself-temporary-pope-until-trumps-feud-with-the The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z STEPHEN COLBERT DECLARES HIMSELF 'TEMPORARY POPE' UNTIL TRUMP’S FEUD WITH THE VATICAN IS RESOLVED https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/ravens-unveil-uniforms-that-are-literally-just-giant-feathers-glued-to-a-purple The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z RAVENS UNVEIL UNIFORMS THAT ARE LITERALLY JUST GIANT FEATHERS GLUED TO A PURPLE COMPRESSION SHIRT https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/nasa-artyemis-commander-says-moon-landing-is-absolutely-doable-if-we-stop The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z NASA ARTYEMIS COMMANDER SAYS MOON LANDING IS 'ABSOLUTELY DOABLE' IF WE STOP SPENDING MONEY ON BETTER JET FUEL https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/netflix-co-founder-replaced-by-algorithm-that-only-greenlights-shows-with-blue The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z NETFLIX CO-FOUNDER REPLACED BY ALGORITHM THAT ONLY GREENLIGHTS SHOWS WITH 'BLUE' LIGHTING AND NO ENDINGS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/orbn-breaks-silence-after-defeat-reveals-he-was-actually-a-tiktok-performance The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z ORBÁN BREAKS SILENCE AFTER DEFEAT, REVEALS HE WAS ACTUALLY A TIKTOK PERFORMANCE ARTIST THE WHOLE TIME https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/new-chinese-space-station-rule-astronauts-must-stay-an-extra-month-if-they-cant The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z NEW CHINESE SPACE STATION RULE: ASTRONAUTS MUST STAY AN EXTRA MONTH IF THEY CAN'T FIND THE CHARGING CABLE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/nfl-introduces-squat-only-penalty-teams-must-do-40-burpees-if-they-challenge-a The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z NFL INTRODUCES 'SQUAT-ONLY' PENALTY: TEAMS MUST DO 40 BURPEES IF THEY CHALLENGE A PLAY AND LOSE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/new-york-times-to-replace-sudoku-with-trump-ballroom-blueprint-puzzle The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z NEW YORK TIMES TO REPLACE SUDOKU WITH 'TRUMP BALLROOM BLUEPRINT' PUZZLE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/new-jersey-special-election-won-by-woman-who-promised-to-finally-explain-the The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z NEW JERSEY SPECIAL ELECTION WON BY WOMAN WHO PROMISED TO 'FINALLY EXPLAIN THE TURNPIKE' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/sir-keir-starmer-pressured-to-resign-after-being-caught-eating-a-sandwich-with The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z SIR KEIR STARMER PRESSURED TO RESIGN AFTER BEING CAUGHT EATING A SANDWICH WITH AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF MAYONNAISE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/assassins-creed-black-flag-remake-to-include-minigame-where-you-file-colonial The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z ASSASSIN'S CREED: BLACK FLAG REMAKE TO INCLUDE MINIGAME WHERE YOU FILE COLONIAL MARITIME INSURANCE CLAIMS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/i-phone-17-pro-max-dent-restoration-services-now-require-you-to-provide-a-liver The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z I-PHONE 17 PRO MAX 'DENT' RESTORATION SERVICES NOW REQUIRE YOU TO PROVIDE A LIVER BIOPSY FOR COLOR MATCHING https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/nasa-commander-says-moon-landing-is-absolutely-doable-if-we-just-use-a-really The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z NASA COMMANDER SAYS MOON LANDING IS 'ABSOLUTELY DOABLE' IF WE JUST USE A REALLY BIG TRAMPOLINE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/study-finds-best-time-to-control-blood-sugar-is-exactly-413-am-while-screaming The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z STUDY FINDS BEST TIME TO CONTROL BLOOD SUGAR IS 'EXACTLY 4:13 AM WHILE SCREAMING INTO A PILLOW' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/new-3d-dark-energy-map-reveals-the-entire-universe-is-just-a-giant The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z NEW '3D DARK ENERGY MAP' REVEALS THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS JUST A GIANT, INTERGALACTIC WAFFLE HOUSE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/san-francisco-measles-surge-blamed-on-residents-trying-to-microdose-diseases-to The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z SAN FRANCISCO MEASLES SURGE BLAMED ON RESIDENTS TRYING TO 'MICRODOSE' DISEASES TO BUILD CHARISMA https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/ice-director-resigns-to-pursue-lifelong-passion-for-being-an-unpaid-subway The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z ICE DIRECTOR RESIGNS TO PURSUE LIFELONG PASSION FOR BEING AN UNPAID SUBWAY CONDUCTOR https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/dji-drone-ban-victim-claims-he-can-no-longer-properly-spy-on-his-neighbors The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z DJI DRONE BAN VICTIM CLAIMS HE CAN NO LONGER PROPERLY SPY ON HIS NEIGHBOR'S ILLEGAL GAZEBO https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/australian-ex-soldier-granted-bail-on-condition-he-does-not-look-at-any-clouds The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z AUSTRALIAN EX-SOLDIER GRANTED BAIL ON CONDITION HE DOES NOT LOOK AT ANY CLOUDS THAT RESEMBLE AFGHANISTAN https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/uks-lord-mandelson-revealed-to-be-three-small-children-in-a-trench-coat-working The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z UK'S LORD MANDELSON REVEALED TO BE THREE SMALL CHILDREN IN A TRENCH COAT WORKING FOR THE OPPOSITION https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/pakistani-mediators-in-tehran-reportedly-offer-to-settle-us-iran-dispute-with-a The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z PAKISTANI MEDIATORS IN TEHRAN REPORTEDLY OFFER TO SETTLE U.S.-IRAN DISPUTE WITH A 'BEST OF FIVE' CRICKET MATCH https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/local-mom-claims-she-found-a-cursed-version-of-the-pitt-season-2-finale-at-a The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z LOCAL MOM CLAIMS SHE FOUND A 'CURSED' VERSION OF THE PITT SEASON 2 FINALE AT A GARAGE SALE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/snoozing-spy-house-renews-surveillance-powers-but-only-for-the-purpose-of The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z SNOOZING SPY: HOUSE RENEWS SURVEILLANCE POWERS BUT ONLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF WATCHING PEOPLE'S SLEEP APNEA MACHINES https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/sludge-opinion-why-the-hormuz-blockade-is-actually-top-tier-content-for-my The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z SLUDGE OPINION: WHY THE HORMUZ BLOCKADE IS ACTUALLY TOP-TIER CONTENT FOR MY YACHTING TIKTOK https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/sludge-lifestyle-how-to-re-style-your-measles-spots-for-the-soma-nightlife-scene The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z SLUDGE LIFESTYLE: HOW TO RE-STYLE YOUR MEASLES SPOTS FOR THE SOMA NIGHTLIFE SCENE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/elon-musk-unveils-x-image-for-iphone-17-ai-will-now-scrub-your-photos-to-remove The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z ELON MUSK UNVEILS 'X-IMAGE' FOR IPHONE 17: AI WILL NOW SCRUB YOUR PHOTOS TO REMOVE EVIDENCE OF YOUR EXES AND UNFLATTERING CALVES https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-17/iran-clamps-shut-strait-of-hormuz-demands-full-payment-in-bored-ape-nfts The Sludge Report en 2026-04-17T10:24:36.093Z IRAN CLAMPS SHUT STRAIT OF HORMUZ, DEMANDS FULL PAYMENT IN 'BORED APE' NFTS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/sam-altmans-house-attacked-by-molotov-cocktail-filled-with-artisanal-kombucha The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z SAM ALTMAN’S HOUSE ATTACKED BY MOLOTOV COCKTAIL FILLED WITH ARTISANAL KOMBUCHA AND UNSALTED ROASTED ALMONDS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/trump-threatens-to-fire-fed-chair-powell-after-powell-rejects-request-to-make The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z TRUMP THREATENS TO FIRE FED CHAIR POWELL AFTER POWELL REJECTS REQUEST TO MAKE THE US DOLLAR SHINY GOLD INSTEAD OF DIRTY GREEN https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/cbs-to-replace-all-ghosts-cast-members-with-legally-binding-non-disclosure The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z CBS TO REPLACE ALL 'GHOSTS' CAST MEMBERS WITH LEGALLY BINDING NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENTS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/carls-jr-to-replace-all-employees-with-ultra-processed-marbled-steaks The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z CARL’S JR. TO REPLACE ALL EMPLOYEES WITH ULTRA-PROCESSED MARBLED STEAKS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/eu-electricity-tax-cuts-to-be-funded-entirely-by-wearing-wool-sneakers-on The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z EU ELECTRICITY TAX CUTS TO BE FUNDED ENTIRELY BY WEARING WOOL SNEAKERS ON TREADMILLS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/lawyer-disbarred-after-arguing-the-2020-election-was-reversed-in-a-dream-he-had The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z LAWYER DISBARRED AFTER ARGUING THE 2020 ELECTION WAS 'REVERSED IN A DREAM HE HAD' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/pentagon-deploys-metaphysical-thresher-to-harvest-rogue-iranian-pathos The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z PENTAGON DEPLOYS METAPHYSICAL THRESHER TO HARVEST ROGUE IRANIAN PATHOS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/nba-investigates-lamelo-ball-for-tripping-bam-adebayo-after-it-revealed-adebayo The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z NBA INVESTIGATES LAMELO BALL FOR 'TRIPPING' BAM ADEBAYO AFTER IT REVEALED ADEBAYO WAS ACTUALLY AN ELABORATE SERIES OF THREE CHILDREN IN A TRENCH COAT https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/cdc-admits-drug-resistant-bacteria-is-actually-just-a-bunch-of-teenagers-who The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z CDC ADMITS 'DRUG-RESISTANT BACTERIA' IS ACTUALLY JUST A BUNCH OF TEENAGERS WHO WON'T LISTEN https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/pakistani-migrants-in-uk-claim-they-are-gay-for-the-weekend-to-secure-asylum The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z PAKISTANI MIGRANTS IN UK CLAIM THEY ARE 'GAY FOR THE WEEKEND' TO SECURE ASYLUM https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/nasa-admits-artemis-ii-crew-was-just-extremely-convincing-3d-printed-plastic The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z NASA ADMITS ARTEMIS II CREW WAS JUST 'EXTREMELY CONVINCING 3D PRINTED PLASTIC' UNTIL RECENTLY https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/pentagon-to-deploy-1400-sadness-drones-to-reinforce-iranian-blockade The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z PENTAGON TO DEPLOY 1,400 'SADNESS DRONES' TO REINFORCE IRANIAN BLOCKADE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/trump-phone-review-it-only-has-one-app-and-that-app-is-just-a-mirror-that-says The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z TRUMP PHONE REVIEW: IT ONLY HAS ONE APP, AND THAT APP IS JUST A MIRROR THAT SAYS 'YOU'RE DOING GREAT' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/vietnams-new-leader-travels-to-china-to-learn-how-to-build-the-perfect-awkward The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z VIETNAM'S NEW LEADER TRAVELS TO CHINA TO LEARN HOW TO BUILD 'THE PERFECT AWKWARD HANDSHAKE' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/lifestyle-how-to-marble-your-thighs-with-ultra-processed-foods-for-a-luxury The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z LIFESTYLE: HOW TO MARBLE YOUR THIGHS WITH ULTRA-PROCESSED FOODS FOR A 'LUXURY WINTER COAT' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/opinion-why-lacking-an-alzheimers-diagnosis-is-the-ultimate-flex-in-the-gig The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z OPINION: WHY LACKING AN ALZHEIMER'S DIAGNOSIS IS THE ULTIMATE FLEX IN THE GIG ECONOMY https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/epa-mandates-all-molotov-cocktails-must-be-bottled-in-100-recycled-glass-by-2027 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z EPA MANDATES ALL MOLOTOV COCKTAILS MUST BE BOTTLED IN 100% RECYCLED GLASS BY 2027 https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/amyloid-protein-discovered-to-be-just-ancient-ghost-lint-from-nineteenth The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z AMYLOID PROTEIN DISCOVERED TO BE JUST 'ANCIENT GHOST LINT' FROM NINETEENTH-CENTURY SWEATERS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/ukraine-deploys-invisibility-capes-that-are-just-large-mirrors-taped-to-tanks The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z UKRAINE DEPLOYS 'INVISIBILITY CAPES' THAT ARE JUST LARGE MIRRORS TAPED TO TANKS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/anthropics-claude-now-supports-parallel-sessions-so-it-can-argue-with-itself The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z ANTHROPIC'S CLAUDE NOW SUPPORTS 'PARALLEL SESSIONS' SO IT CAN ARGUE WITH ITSELF INSTEAD OF YOU https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/sudan-civil-war-entering-post-modern-phase-where-soldiers-fight-with-internet The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z SUDAN CIVIL WAR ENTERING 'POST-MODERN' PHASE WHERE SOLDIERS FIGHT WITH INTERNET ARGUMENTS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/new-bill-would-require-infants-to-file-quarterly-tax-returns-to-combat-measles The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z NEW BILL WOULD REQUIRE INFANTS TO FILE QUARTERLY TAX RETURNS TO COMBAT MEASLES https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/china-announces-infrastructure-stimulus-by-building-a-second-larger-wall The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z CHINA ANNOUNCES 'INFRASTRUCTURE STIMULUS' BY BUILDING A SECOND, LARGER WALL DIRECTLY BEHIND THE FIRST ONE https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/eu-age-verification-app-forces-teenagers-to-solve-a-1950s-crossword-puzzle-to The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z EU AGE VERIFICATION APP FORCES TEENAGERS TO SOLVE A 1950S CROSSWORD PUZZLE TO ACCESS SOCIAL MEDIA https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/trump-lawyer-disbarred-after-trying-to-argue-that-the-2020-election-was The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z TRUMP LAWYER DISBARRED AFTER TRYING TO ARGUE THAT THE 2020 ELECTION WAS OVERTURNED BY A 'ROGUE GROUP OF GHOSTS' WHO WERE ALREADY DEAD https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/new-google-gemini-app-for-mac-discovered-to-be-just-a-photobooth-filter-that The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z NEW GOOGLE GEMINI APP FOR MAC DISCOVERED TO BE JUST A PHOTOBOOTH FILTER THAT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A DISAPPOINTED PHILOSOPHER https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/saudi-fund-to-withdraw-from-liv-golf-to-invest-in-more-financially-stable The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z SAUDI FUND TO WITHDRAW FROM LIV GOLF TO INVEST IN 'MORE FINANCIALLY STABLE' PROJECT OF BUYING THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF TUESDAYS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/australian-authorities-investigate-after-katy-perry-accuses-ruby-rose-of-too The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z AUSTRALIAN AUTHORITIES INVESTIGATE AFTER KATY PERRY ACCUSES RUBY ROSE OF 'TOO MUCH INTENSE EYE CONTACT' IN REVERSE SURPRISE TWIST https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/federal-court-orders-live-nation-to-accept-livestock-and-heavy-machinery The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z FEDERAL COURT ORDERS LIVE NATION TO ACCEPT LIVESTOCK AND HEAVY MACHINERY AS LEGAL TENDER https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/justice-sotomayor-apologizes-to-kavanaugh-after-accidentally-stealing-his-lunch The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z JUSTICE SOTOMAYOR APOLOGIZES TO KAVANAUGH AFTER ACCIDENTALLY STEALING HIS LUNCH FOR THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/allbirds-shares-surge-after-pivoting-from-wool-sneakers-to-ai-powered-cloud The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z ALLBIRDS SHARES SURGE AFTER PIVOTING FROM WOOL SNEAKERS TO 'AI-POWERED' CLOUD-BASED FOOTWEAR THAT DOESN'T EXIST https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/study-finds-sperm-whales-language-consists-entirely-of-reviews-for-the-new The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z STUDY FINDS SPERM WHALES' LANGUAGE CONSISTS ENTIRELY OF REVIEWS FOR THE NEW 'TRUMP PHONE' https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/sudan-discovers-ancient-genome-of-sudden-downfall-in-former-congressman-eric The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z SUDAN DISCOVERS ANCIENT GENOME OF 'SUDDEN DOWNFALL' IN FORMER CONGRESSMAN ERIC SWALWELL'S DNA https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/french-bulldog-outraged-after-being-forced-to-pay-for-his-service-humans-seat The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z FRENCH BULLDOG OUTRAGED AFTER BEING FORCED TO PAY FOR HIS SERVICE HUMAN’S SEAT ON DELTA FLIGHT https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/disney-layoffs-reveal-marvel-studios-secret-weapon-trained-squirrels-are The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z DISNEY LAYOFFS REVEAL MARVEL STUDIO'S SECRET WEAPON: TRAINED SQUIRRELS ARE ACTUALLY WRITING THE SCRIPTS https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/hungarys-prime-minister-elect-vows-to-wean-country-off-russian-energy-by The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z HUNGARY’S PRIME MINISTER-ELECT VOWS TO WEAN COUNTRY OFF RUSSIAN ENERGY BY REPLACING ALL LIGHTBULBS WITH ANGRY FIREFLIES https://sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-16/youtube-introduces-button-to-turn-off-shorts-but-it-just-replaces-them-with-re The Sludge Report en 2026-04-16T04:03:32.409Z YOUTUBE INTRODUCES BUTTON TO TURN OFF SHORTS, BUT IT JUST REPLACES THEM WITH RE-RUNS OF 'MATLOCK'