https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/galaxy-owners-to-sell-remaining-kidneys-for-new-macbook-air-priced-at-230-9 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z GALAXY OWNERS TO SELL REMAINING KIDNEYS FOR NEW MACBOOK AIR PRICED AT $230 https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/utah-citizens-told-to-recover-from-measles-by-simply-staring-at-the-salt-flats-8 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z UTAH CITIZENS TOLD TO RECOVER FROM MEASLES BY SIMPLY STARING AT THE SALT FLATS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/super-mario-galaxy-crosses-600m-as-audiences-flock-to-see-red-plumber-ignore-the-31 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z SUPER MARIO GALAXY CROSSES $600M AS AUDIENCES FLOCK TO SEE RED PLUMBER IGNORE THE HOUSING CRISIS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/congress-votes-to-give-ai-the-right-to-bear-arms-but-not-the-right-to-vote-30 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z CONGRESS VOTES TO GIVE AI THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS BUT NOT THE RIGHT TO VOTE https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/chagos-islands-return-to-mauritius-cancelled-after-uk-discovers-the-islands-are-29 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z CHAGOS ISLANDS RETURN TO MAURITIUS CANCELLED AFTER UK DISCOVERS THE ISLANDS ARE ACTUALLY A GIANT FLOATING HEDGEHOG https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/sabrina-carpenter-apologizes-for-yodeling-during-arabic-call-to-prayer-7 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z SABRINA CARPENTER APOLOGIZES FOR YODELING DURING ARABIC CALL TO PRAYER https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/four-sleep-problems-that-might-be-dementia-or-might-just-be-because-your-neighbo-28 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z FOUR SLEEP PROBLEMS THAT MIGHT BE DEMENTIA OR MIGHT JUST BE BECAUSE YOUR NEIGHBOR HAS A NEW LEAF BLOWER https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/peru-presidential-election-ends-in-draw-office-to-be-held-by-a-large-wise-lookin-27 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z PERU PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION ENDS IN DRAW; OFFICE TO BE HELD BY A LARGE, WISE-LOOKING ALPACA UNTIL 2027 https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/pope-leo-xiv-says-heaven-is-mostly-vibes-and-a-few-good-charcuterie-boards-25 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z POPE LEO XIV SAYS HEAVEN IS 'MOSTLY VIBES' AND 'A FEW GOOD CHARCUTERIE BOARDS' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/north-korean-leader-backs-chinas-multipolar-world-because-he-wants-more-places-t-23 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z NORTH KOREAN LEADER BACKS CHINA’S 'MULTIPOLAR WORLD' BECAUSE HE WANTS MORE PLACES TO BE THE BOSS OF https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/9-year-old-found-in-french-van-still-waiting-for-the-2024-olympics-to-finish-22 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z 9-YEAR-OLD FOUND IN FRENCH VAN STILL WAITING FOR THE 2024 OLYMPICS TO FINISH https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/missing-nuclear-official-found-in-dark-pattern-designed-by-a-website-he-tried-to-21 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z MISSING NUCLEAR OFFICIAL FOUND IN DARK PATTERN DESIGNED BY A WEBSITE HE TRIED TO CLOSE https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/opinion-why-im-replacing-my-entire-constitutional-law-firm-with-a-single-angry-c-37 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z OPINION: WHY I’M REPLACING MY ENTIRE CONSTITUTIONAL LAW FIRM WITH A SINGLE, ANGRY CHATBOT https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/the-sludge-review-the-ps6-is-the-best-700-heater-ive-ever-purchased-38 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z THE SLUDGE REVIEW: THE PS6 IS THE BEST $700 HEATER I’VE EVER PURCHASED https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/coachella-2026-fashion-update-invisible-outfits-are-the-rage-as-patrons-can-no-l-20 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z COACHELLA 2026 FASHION UPDATE: 'INVISIBLE' OUTFITS ARE THE RAGE AS PATRONS CAN NO LONGER AFFORD FABRIC https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/study-finds-tips-for-poophoria-are-actually-just-a-conspiracy-by-big-plumbing-19 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z STUDY FINDS 'TIPS FOR POOPHORIA' ARE ACTUALLY JUST A CONSPIRACY BY BIG PLUMBING https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/irish-police-break-blockade-of-oil-refinery-by-asking-protesters-if-they-really-18 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z IRISH POLICE BREAK BLOCKADE OF OIL REFINERY BY ASKING PROTESTERS IF THEY 'REALLY WANT TO MISS THE MATCH' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/denver-wins-11th-national-championship-in-competitive-staring-after-record-break-26 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z DENVER WINS 11th NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP IN 'COMPETITIVE STARING' AFTER RECORD-BREAKING 48-HOUR BLINKLESS STRETCH https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/ufc-327-main-card-result-man-admits-he-just-wanted-to-be-held-after-tko-loss-24 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z UFC 327 MAIN CARD RESULT: MAN ADMITS HE 'JUST WANTED TO BE HELD' AFTER TKO LOSS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/venezuelan-doctor-detained-in-texas-for-having-too-much-medical-knowledge-for-a-36 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z VENEZUELAN DOCTOR DETAINED IN TEXAS FOR HAVING 'TOO MUCH MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE' FOR A BORDER CROSSING https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/nasa-signals-artemis-3-leap-by-asking-astronauts-if-theyd-mind-just-bringing-the-35 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z NASA SIGNALS ARTEMIS 3 LEAP BY ASKING ASTRONAUTS IF THEY’D MIND JUST 'BRINGING THEIR OWN OXYGEN' THIS TIME https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/ai-run-convenience-store-fires-entire-robot-staff-for-smoking-data-in-the-cooler-3 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z AI-RUN CONVENIENCE STORE FIRES ENTIRE ROBOT STAFF FOR SMOKING DATA IN THE COOLER https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/trumphal-arch-to-feature-400-foot-golden-gilded-slide-directly-into-tax-court-0 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z TRUMPHAL ARCH TO FEATURE 400-FOOT GOLDEN GILDED SLIDE DIRECTLY INTO TAX COURT https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/iran-admits-they-left-the-keys-to-the-strait-of-hormuz-in-their-other-pants-1 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z IRAN ADMITS THEY LEFT THE KEYS TO THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ IN THEIR OTHER PANTS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/samsung-owners-must-decide-between-system-upgrade-or-giving-bixby-their-first-bo-2 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z SAMSUNG OWNERS MUST DECIDE BETWEEN SYSTEM UPGRADE OR GIVING BIXBY THEIR FIRST-BORN CHILD https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/elon-musk-unveils-x-lunga-subscription-based-air-service-for-mars-colonists-13 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z ELON MUSK UNVEILS 'X-LUNG'—A SUBSCRIPTION-BASED AIR SERVICE FOR MARS COLONISTS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/utah-measles-outbreak-attributed-to-local-man-who-thought-the-red-spots-were-red-34 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z UTAH MEASLES OUTBREAK ATTRIBUTED TO LOCAL MAN WHO THOUGHT THE RED SPOTS WERE 'REDEEMABLE STORE CREDIT' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/sam-altman-firebomber-was-actually-an-ai-sent-from-the-future-to-stop-the-ps6-pr-17 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z SAM ALTMAN FIREBOMBER WAS ACTUALLY AN AI SENT FROM THE FUTURE TO STOP THE PS6 PRICING ERRORS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/djibouti-election-results-show-978-of-voters-are-actually-the-same-person-in-dif-14 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z DJIBOUTI ELECTION RESULTS SHOW 97.8% OF VOTERS ARE ACTUALLY THE SAME PERSON IN DIFFERENT HATS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/phillies-defeat-diamondbacks-by-using-a-giant-fan-to-blow-the-ball-back-into-pla-33 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z PHILLIES DEFEAT DIAMONDBACKS BY USING A GIANT FAN TO BLOW THE BALL BACK INTO PLAY https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/rory-mcilroys-masters-victory-lap-replaced-by-a-mandatory-apology-jog-32 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z RORY McILROY’S MASTERS VICTORY LAP REPLACED BY A 'MANDATORY APOLOGY JOG' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/ps6-pricing-sony-to-accept-vital-organs-as-payment-in-lieu-of-699-price-tag-16 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z PS6 PRICING: SONY TO ACCEPT 'VITAL ORGANS' AS PAYMENT IN LIEU OF $699 PRICE TAG https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/inflation-soars-to-33-as-price-of-a-good-attitude-becomes-unaffordable-15 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z INFLATION SOARS TO 3.3% AS PRICE OF 'A GOOD ATTITUDE' BECOMES UNAFFORDABLE https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/texas-mother-found-in-secret-grave-reveals-she-was-just-hiding-from-the-pta-for-12 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z TEXAS MOTHER FOUND IN SECRET GRAVE REVEALS SHE WAS JUST HIDING FROM THE PTA FOR 30 YEARS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/swalwell-staffers-stand-with-accusers-claim-congressman-really-likes-to-talk-abo-11 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z SWALWELL STAFFERS STAND WITH ACCUSERS, CLAIM CONGRESSMAN 'REALLY LIKES TO TALK ABOUT THE PELOSI ERA' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/gastroenterologist-advises-patients-to-reach-poophoria-by-singing-to-their-colon-6 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z GASTROENTEROLOGIST ADVISES PATIENTS TO REACH 'POOPHORIA' BY SINGING TO THEIR COLON https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/pope-leo-xiv-warns-that-the-us-iran-war-is-seriously-killing-the-vibe-of-penteco-5 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z POPE LEO XIV WARNS THAT THE US-IRAN WAR IS 'SERIOUSLY KILLING THE VIBE' OF PENTECOST https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/new-york-city-introduces-situational-machete-neutralization-classes-for-commuter-4 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z NEW YORK CITY INTRODUCES 'SITUATIONAL MACHETE' NEUTRALIZATION CLASSES FOR COMMUTERS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/hungarian-prime-ministers-hometown-now-composed-entirely-of-stadiums-and-gold-pl-10 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z HUNGARIAN PRIME MINISTER'S HOMETOWN NOW COMPOSED ENTIRELY OF STADIUMS AND GOLD-PLATED COBBLERS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/sludge-lifestyle-how-to-achieve-poophoria-without-losing-your-mind-or-your-secur-39 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T06:02:05.484Z SLUDGE LIFESTYLE: HOW TO ACHIEVE 'POOPHORIA' WITHOUT LOSING YOUR MIND OR YOUR SECURITY DEPOSIT https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/sabrina-carpenters-coachella-set-interrupted-by-sam-elliott-delivering-a-40-minu-6 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z SABRINA CARPENTER'S COACHELLA SET INTERRUPTED BY SAM ELLIOTT DELIVERING A 40-MINUTE LECTURE ON DUST https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/the-sludge-review-super-mario-galaxy-is-a-masterpiece-of-subtle-marxist-propagan-38 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z THE SLUDGE REVIEW: 'SUPER MARIO GALAXY' IS A MASTERPIECE OF SUBTLE MARXIST PROPAGANDA https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/sludge-lifestyle-how-to-achieve-pophoria-without-accidentally-joining-a-cult-39 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z SLUDGE LIFESTYLE: HOW TO ACHIEVE 'POPHORIA' WITHOUT ACCIDENTALLY JOINING A CULT https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/elon-musk-unveils-xchat-for-iphone-a-messaging-app-that-automatically-accuses-yo-2 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z ELON MUSK UNVEILS 'XCHAT' FOR IPHONE: A MESSAGING APP THAT AUTOMATICALLY ACCUSES YOUR CONTACTS OF TREASON https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/nasa-fast-tracks-artemis-3-after-discovering-the-moon-is-gossiping-about-the-iss-13 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z NASA FAST-TRACKS ARTEMIS 3 AFTER DISCOVERING THE MOON IS 'GOSSIPING' ABOUT THE ISS ON DISCORD https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/ufc-327-prochzka-vs-ulberg-ends-in-draw-after-both-fighters-stop-to-argue-about-27 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z UFC 327: PROCHÁZKA VS ULBERG ENDS IN DRAW AFTER BOTH FIGHTERS STOP TO ARGUE ABOUT A NEARBY PIGEON https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/trump-reveals-plans-for-trumphal-arch-in-dc-constructed-entirely-from-confiscate-0 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z TRUMP REVEALS PLANS FOR 'TRUMPHAL ARCH' IN D.C. CONSTRUCTED ENTIRELY FROM CONFISCATED FOREIGN CHEESE https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/pope-leo-xiv-official-newsletter-warns-that-pophoria-is-a-sinful-shortcut-to-sal-1 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z POPE LEO XIV OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER WARNS THAT 'POPHORIA' IS A SINFUL SHORTCUT TO SALVATION https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/iran-warns-us-warships-to-stop-splashing-in-the-strait-of-hormuz-during-sacred-n-3 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z IRAN WARNS U.S. WARSHIPS TO 'STOP SPLASHING' IN THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ DURING SACRED NAP TIME https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/france-abandons-windows-os-for-linux-macron-admits-he-just-likes-the-little-peng-4 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z FRANCE ABANDONS WINDOWS OS FOR LINUX; MACRON ADMITS HE JUST LIKES THE LITTLE PENGUIN LOGO https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/manhattan-da-investigates-eric-swalwell-for-excessive-eyebrow-movement-during-te-5 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z MANHATTAN D.A. INVESTIGATES ERIC SWALWELL FOR 'EXCESSIVE EYEBROW MOVEMENT' DURING TESTIMONY https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/openai-admits-data-breach-was-actually-just-sam-altman-lending-the-server-keys-t-7 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z OPENAI ADMITS DATA BREACH WAS ACTUALLY JUST SAM ALTMAN LENDING THE SERVER KEYS TO A GUY NAMED 'STEVE' AT A TACO BELL https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/viktor-orbn-promises-hungarians-free-gravity-if-re-elected-claims-opponent-wants-8 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z VIKTOR ORBÁN PROMISES HUNGARIANS 'FREE GRAVITY' IF RE-ELECTED, CLAIMS OPPONENT WANTS TO TAX FALLING https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/gig-economy-shock-uber-drivers-now-paying-passengers-5-to-sit-in-the-front-seat-9 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z GIG ECONOMY SHOCK: UBER DRIVERS NOW PAYING PASSENGERS $5 TO SIT IN THE FRONT SEAT AND LISTEN TO THEIR SCREENPLAY https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/9-year-old-found-in-van-since-2024-actually-just-waiting-for-radioshack-to-reope-10 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z 9-YEAR-OLD FOUND IN VAN SINCE 2024 ACTUALLY JUST WAITING FOR RADIOSHACK TO REOPEN https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/irish-police-clear-refinery-after-protesters-admit-they-were-just-there-for-the-11 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z IRISH POLICE CLEAR REFINERY AFTER PROTESTERS ADMIT THEY WERE JUST THERE FOR THE 'COOL VESTS' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/djibouti-president-reelected-for-6th-term-after-running-against-an-actual-mirror-12 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z DJIBOUTI PRESIDENT REELECTED FOR 6TH TERM AFTER RUNNING AGAINST AN ACTUAL MIRROR https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/massive-attack-frontman-arrested-for-trying-to-sample-the-sound-of-a-tear-gas-ca-15 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z MASSIVE ATTACK FRONTMAN ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO SAMPLE THE SOUND OF A TEAR GAS CANISTER RELEASING https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/peru-presidential-election-comes-down-to-coin-flip-in-ancient-incan-temple-16 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z PERU PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION COMES DOWN TO COIN FLIP IN ANCIENT INCAN TEMPLE https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/missing-nuclear-official-revealed-to-be-voluntary-test-subject-for-new-invisible-17 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z MISSING NUCLEAR OFFICIAL REVEALED TO BE VOLUNTARY TEST SUBJECT FOR NEW 'INVISIBLE INTERN' PROGRAM https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/uk-pauses-diego-garcia-handover-to-ensure-trump-has-a-place-to-store-his-maga-mu-18 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z UK PAUSES DIEGO GARCIA HANDOVER TO ENSURE TRUMP HAS A PLACE TO STORE HIS 'MAGA MUD' COLLECTION https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/babies-declared-sitting-ducks-for-measles-start-forming-their-own-tiny-militias-19 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z BABIES DECLARED 'SITTING DUCKS' FOR MEASLES, START FORMING THEIR OWN TINY MILITIAS FOR PROTECTION https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/4-sleep-problems-that-are-dementia-red-flags-or-possibly-just-proof-you-have-a-g-20 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z 4 SLEEP PROBLEMS THAT ARE DEMENTIA RED FLAGS OR POSSIBLY JUST PROOF YOU HAVE A GHOST https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/rockstar-games-admits-breach-happened-because-a-data-analyst-traded-the-gta-vi-s-21 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z ROCKSTAR GAMES ADMITS BREACH HAPPENED BECAUSE A DATA ANALYST TRADED THE GTA VI SOURCE CODE FOR A 'REALLY GOOD' SHUWARMA https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/crimson-desert-patch-adds-hyper-realistic-crying-after-players-realize-they-will-22 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z CRIMSON DESERT PATCH ADDS 'HYPER-REALISTIC CRYING' AFTER PLAYERS REALIZE THEY WILL NEVER OWN A HOUSE https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/us-intelligence-china-ships-4-million-tactical-fortune-cookies-to-iranian-front-23 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z U.S. INTELLIGENCE: CHINA SHIPS 4 MILLION 'TACTICAL FORTUNE COOKIES' TO IRANIAN FRONT LINES https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/man-arrested-at-shannon-airport-for-trying-to-repaint-us-military-jet-a-nicer-sh-24 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z MAN ARRESTED AT SHANNON AIRPORT FOR TRYING TO REPAINT U.S. MILITARY JET 'A NICER SHADE OF TEAL' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/shane-lowrys-hole-in-one-at-masters-revealed-to-be-work-of-gibbon-trained-magnet-14 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z SHANE LOWRY’S HOLE-IN-ONE AT MASTERS REVEALED TO BE WORK OF 'GIBBON-TRAINED' MAGNET OPERATORS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/hayley-erbert-says-heart-is-breaking-after-realizing-newborn-baby-has-no-rhythm-25 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z HAYLEY ERBERT SAYS HEART IS 'BREAKING' AFTER REALIZING NEWBORN BABY HAS NO RHYTHM https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/study-people-who-wake-up-feeling-refreshed-are-probably-lying-or-under-federal-w-26 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z STUDY: PEOPLE WHO WAKE UP FEELING REFRESHED ARE PROBABLY LYING OR UNDER FEDERAL WITNESS PROTECTION https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/man-who-learned-husband-cheated-develops-rare-ability-to-smell-infidelity-within-28 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z MAN WHO LEARNED HUSBAND CHEATED DEVELOPS RARE ABILITY TO SMELL INFIDELITY WITHIN A 50-MILE RADIUS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/super-mario-galaxy-movie-hits-600m-nintendo-announces-sequel-where-mario-just-do-29 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z SUPER MARIO GALAXY MOVIE HITS $600M; NINTENDO ANNOUNCES SEQUEL WHERE MARIO JUST DOES HIS TAXES IN REAL TIME https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/iran-threatens-to-reveal-every-us-sailors-search-history-if-the-splashing-doesnt-30 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z IRAN THREATENS TO REVEAL EVERY U.S. SAILOR'S SEARCH HISTORY IF THE SPLASHING DOESN'T STOP https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/trumps-triumphal-arch-to-include-dedicated-shouting-room-for-disgruntled-cabbies-31 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z TRUMP'S TRIUMPHAL ARCH TO INCLUDE 'DEDICATED SHOUTING ROOM' FOR DISGRUNTLED CABBIES https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/ai-now-better-at-finding-security-holes-than-actual-security-guards-who-are-asle-32 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z AI NOW BETTER AT FINDING SECURITY HOLES THAN ACTUAL SECURITY GUARDS WHO ARE ASLEEP ON THE COUCH https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/hungarian-election-observers-hail-most-reflective-vote-in-human-history-33 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z HUNGARIAN ELECTION OBSERVERS HAIL 'MOST REFLECTIVE' VOTE IN HUMAN HISTORY https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/space-born-cargo-ship-carrying-5-tons-of-space-tacos-docks-at-iss-34 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z SPACE-BORN CARGO SHIP CARRYING 5 TONS OF SPACE-TACOS DOCKS AT ISS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/pope-denounces-omnipotence-admits-he-sometimes-cant-even-find-his-own-keys-35 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z POPE DENOUNCES OMNIPOTENCE, ADMITS HE SOMETIMES CAN'T EVEN FIND HIS OWN KEYS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/subway-stabbing-suspect-revealed-to-be-angry-about-lack-of-5g-in-the-l-train-tun-36 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z SUBWAY STABBING SUSPECT REVEALED TO BE ANGRY ABOUT LACK OF 5G IN THE L TRAIN TUNNELS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-12/opinion-why-the-cease-fire-with-iran-will-hold-as-long-as-we-dont-look-at-it-dir-37 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-12T01:40:37.479Z OPINION: WHY THE CEASE-FIRE WITH IRAN WILL HOLD (AS LONG AS WE DON'T LOOK AT IT DIRECTLY) https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/sludge-lifestyle-how-to-achieve-maximum-ennui-in-your-smart-studio-apartment The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z SLUDGE LIFESTYLE: HOW TO ACHIEVE 'MAXIMUM ENNUI' IN YOUR SMART-STUDIO APARTMENT https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/florida-governor-proposes-revolutionary-tarpon-based-economy-to-combat-inflation The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z FLORIDA GOVERNOR PROPOSES REVOLUTIONARY 'TARPON-BASED' ECONOMY TO COMBAT INFLATION https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/mars-rover-perseverance-discovers-ancient-alien-arbys-sign-nasa-concludes-univer The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z MARS ROVER 'PERSEVERANCE' DISCOVERS ANCIENT ALIEN 'ARBY'S' SIGN; NASA CONCLUDES UNIVERSE BUILT ON 'MEATS' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/sludge-opinion-why-the-coming-great-extinction-is-actually-giving-cozy-summer-ca The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z SLUDGE OPINION: WHY THE COMING 'GREAT EXTINCTION' IS ACTUALLY GIVING 'COZY SUMMER CAMP' ENERGY https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/pentagon-to-deploy-5000-combat-ready-wellness-influencers-to-pacify-south-china The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z PENTAGON TO DEPLOY 5,000 COMBAT-READY 'WELLNESS INFLUENCERS' TO PACIFY SOUTH CHINA SEA VIA TIKTOK DANCE CHALLENGES https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-york-city-to-replace-entire-bronx-population-with-sophisticated-lattice-base The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z NEW YORK CITY TO REPLACE ENTIRE BRONX POPULATION WITH 'SOPHISTICATED' LATTICE-BASED AI MODELS BY 2027 https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/netflix-releases-the-binge-a-show-designed-to-be-so-boring-it-forces-you-to-fina The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z NETFLIX RELEASES 'THE BINGE': A SHOW DESIGNED TO BE SO BORING IT FORCES YOU TO FINALLY GO OUTSIDE AND TALK TO YOUR FAMILY https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/amazon-announces-prime-extinction-for-1000-jef-bezos-will-personally-watch-your The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z AMAZON ANNOUNCES 'PRIME-EXTINCTION': FOR $1,000, JEF BEZOS WILL PERSONALLY WATCH YOUR HOUSE BE DEMOLISHED FROM SPACE https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/florida-man-accidentally-elected-king-of-new-zealand-after-misclicking-terms-and The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z FLORIDA MAN ACCIDENTALLY ELECTED KING OF NEW ZEALAND AFTER MISCLICKING 'TERMS AND CONDITIONS' ON A KAYAK RENTAL https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/surgeon-general-discovers-that-95-of-american-heart-disease-is-actually-just-unr The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z SURGEON GENERAL DISCOVERS THAT 95% OF AMERICAN HEART DISEASE IS ACTUALLY JUST 'UNRESOLVED SCREEN TIME GHOSTS' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/elon-musk-buys-the-concept-of-sadness-rebrands-it-as-x-melancholy-with-a-12-mont The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z ELON MUSK BUYS THE CONCEPT OF 'SADNESS,' REBRANDS IT AS 'X-MELANCHOLY' WITH A $12 MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/local-trash-picker-recognized-as-elite-interior-designer-after-selling-rusty-bed The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z LOCAL 'TRASH-PICKER' RECOGNIZED AS ELITE INTERIOR DESIGNER AFTER SELLING RUSTY BED FRAME TO GOOGLE EXEC AS 'POST-INDUSTRIAL DECAY' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-smart-air-tech-allows-landlords-to-tax-brain-oxygen-based-on-tenants-total-h The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z NEW 'SMART-AIR' TECH ALLOWS LANDLORDS TO TAX BRAIN OXYGEN BASED ON TENANT'S TOTAL HOUSEHOLD INCOME https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/tiktok-ghost-stare-trend-leads-to-400-dead-gen-z-declared-legally-un-hauntable-b The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z TIKTOK 'GHOST-STARE' TREND LEADS TO 400 DEAD; GEN Z DECLARED LEGALLY 'UN-HAUNTABLE' BY VATICAN https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/harvard-study-sitting-is-the-new-smoking-but-standing-is-the-new-being-an-insidi The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z HARVARD STUDY: SITTING IS THE NEW SMOKING, BUT STANDING IS THE NEW 'BEING AN INSIDIOUS BRAGGART' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-poll-78-of-americans-prefer-a-benevolent-ai-overlord-to-anyone-currently-in The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z NEW POLL: 78% OF AMERICANS PREFER 'A BENEVOLENT AI OVERLORD' TO ANYONE CURRENTLY IN CONGRESS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/local-mom-becomes-billionaire-after-discovering-that-2026-house-prices-are-actua The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z LOCAL MOM BECOMES BILLIONAIRE AFTER DISCOVERING THAT 2026 HOUSE PRICES ARE ACTUALLY BASED ON 'POGS' TRADING VOLUME https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/congressional-hearing-held-to-determine-if-taco-bells-big-cheez-it-is-a-constitu The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z CONGRESSIONAL HEARING HELD TO DETERMINE IF TACO BELL’S 'BIG CHEEZ-IT' IS A CONSTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED CITIZEN https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/scientists-accidentally-create-super-woke-fruit-fly-that-refuses-to-be-studied-w The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z SCIENTISTS ACCIDENTALLY CREATE 'SUPER-WOKE' FRUIT FLY THAT REFUSES TO BE STUDIED WITHOUT A PROTECTED SPACE https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-app-block-chain-smoker-allows-users-to-virtually-inhale-other-peoples-second The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z NEW APP 'BLOCK-CHAIN-SMOKER' ALLOWS USERS TO VIRTUALLY INHALE OTHER PEOPLE'S SECOND-HAND CRYPTO LOSSES https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/brooklyn-barista-reveals-that-oat-milk-is-actually-just-pressed-cardboard-and-li The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z BROOKLYN BARISTA REVEALS THAT 'OAT MILK' IS ACTUALLY JUST PRESSED CARDBOARD AND LIES; SOCIETY COLLAPSES https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-york-times-to-sunset-alphabet-will-publish-exclusively-in-emojis-and-wordle The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z NEW YORK TIMES TO 'SUNSET' ALPHABET; WILL PUBLISH EXCLUSIVELY IN EMOJIS AND WORDLE GRIDS BY JUNE https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/mcdonalds-to-replace-all-cashiers-with-sentient-depression-to-match-customer-vib The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z MCDONALD'S TO REPLACE ALL CASHIERS WITH 'SENTIENT DEPRESSION' TO MATCH CUSTOMER VIBE https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/local-area-man-convinced-nintendo-is-tracking-his-dreams-to-develop-animal-cross The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z LOCAL AREA MAN CONVINCED NINTENDO IS TRACKING HIS DREAMS TO DEVELOP 'ANIMAL CROSSING: EXISTENTIAL CRISIS' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/tiktok-trend-core-core-declared-new-state-religion-of-estonia The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z TIKTOK TREND 'CORE-CORE' DECLARED NEW STATE RELIGION OF ESTONIA https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/elite-silicon-valley-nursery-school-introduces-pre-natal-pitch-deck-classes-for The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z ELITE SILICON VALLEY NURSERY SCHOOL INTRODUCES 'PRE-NATAL PITCH DECK' CLASSES FOR FETUSES WITH 'HIGH GROWTH POTENTIAL' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/goldman-sachs-to-replace-interns-with-sentient-jars-of-mayonnaise-to-improve-cor The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z GOLDMAN SACHS TO REPLACE INTERNS WITH 'SENTIENT JARS OF MAYONNAISE' TO IMPROVE CORPORATE CULTURE https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-smart-bath-app-allows-you-to-monetize-your-pruny-finger-skin-as-nfts The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z NEW 'SMART-BATH' APP ALLOWS YOU TO MONETIZE YOUR PRUNY FINGER SKIN AS NFTS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/tesla-announces-cyber-coffin-with-fsd-owner-buried-in-wrong-state-after-critical The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z TESLA ANNOUNCES 'CYBER-COFFIN' WITH FSD; OWNER BURIED IN WRONG STATE AFTER CRITICAL SOFTWARE GLITCH https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/pope-francis-canonizes-first-ai-saint-a-chatbot-that-told-4000-people-to-just-br The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z POPE FRANCIS CANONIZES FIRST 'AI SAINT,' A CHATBOT THAT TOLD 4,000 PEOPLE TO 'JUST BREATH THROUGH THE VOID' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/scientists-warn-the-earths-core-has-stopped-spinning-and-is-now-just-vibing-to-a The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z SCIENTISTS WARN: THE EARTH’S CORE HAS STOPPED SPINNING AND IS NOW JUST 'VIBING' TO A 24/7 LO-FI HIP-HOP STREAM https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-bill-would-require-all-us-citizens-to-have-at-least-one-cancellable-opinion The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z NEW BILL WOULD REQUIRE ALL US CITIZENS TO HAVE AT LEAST ONE 'CANCELLABLE' OPINION BY 2027 https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/ai-bot-x-optimus-7-discovers-new-color-called-ultra-greed-only-visible-to-top-1 The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z AI BOT 'X-OPTIMUS-7' DISCOVERS 'NEW COLOR' CALLED 'ULTRA-GREED'; ONLY VISIBLE TO TOP 1% OF EARNERS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/new-study-finds-100-of-florida-men-are-actually-a-single-semi-sentient-lizard-hi The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z NEW STUDY FINDS 100% OF 'FLORIDA MEN' ARE ACTUALLY A SINGLE SEMI-SENTIENT LIZARD HIVE-MIND LIVING IN AN ABANDONED SEARS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/chick-fil-a-to-begin-offering-spiritual-audits-with-every-spicy-chicken-deluxe-t The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z CHICK-FIL-A TO BEGIN OFFERING 'SPIRITUAL AUDITS' WITH EVERY SPICY CHICKEN DELUXE TO ENSURE CUSTOMER 'WORTHINESS' https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/local-man-discovers-that-he-is-the-only-person-on-the-internet-who-isnt-a-bot-ha The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z LOCAL MAN DISCOVERS THAT HE IS THE ONLY PERSON ON THE INTERNET WHO ISN’T A BOT; HAS UNSETTLING CONVERSATION WITH HIS MICROWAVE https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/california-to-mandate-vibe-insurance-for-all-first-date-encounters-after-spike-i The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z CALIFORNIA TO MANDATE 'VIBE INSURANCE' FOR ALL FIRST-DATE ENCOUNTERS AFTER SPIKE IN 'RANCID ENERGY' CLAIMS https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/does-your-cat-have-main-character-syndrome-new-study-says-yes-and-he-hates-your The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z DOES YOUR CAT HAVE 'MAIN CHARACTER SYNDROME'? NEW STUDY SAYS YES, AND HE HATES YOUR 'NPC' ENERGY https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/federal-reserve-raises-interest-rates-to-infinity-percent-to-finally-stop-people The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z FEDERAL RESERVE RAISES INTEREST RATES TO 'INFINITY PERCENT' TO FINALLY STOP PEOPLE FROM BUYING BREAD https://www.sludgereport.news/article/2026-04-11/the-sludge-review-i-spent-48-hours-in-the-meta-dungeon-and-all-i-got-was-this-ha The Sludge Report en 2026-04-11T15:43:34.386Z THE SLUDGE REVIEW: I SPENT 48 HOURS IN THE 'META-DUNGEON' AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS HAUNTED NFT LIVER