NATIONAL SCIENCE BOARD OUSTED AFTER REFUSING TO ACKNOWLEDGE TRUMP’S PLAN TO REPLACE RENEWABLE ENERGY WITH 'BEAUTIFUL LIGHTNING BOTTLES'
The Purge follows a heated exchange where the President insisted the wind is 'made by giant fans in China' designed to blow away his hair. Science officials were seen being escorted from the premises while clutching signed copies of the Periodic Table.
The White House confirmed today the immediate dismissal of the entire National Science Board after the presidential advisory group repeatedly failed to validate the administration's new 'Atmospheric Whimsy' policy. Tensions reportedly boiled over during a Tuesday briefing when the President unveiled a proposal to harvest the national power grid from "lightning bottles" collected by underpaid interns during summer thunderstorms.
According to sources inside the West Wing, the ouster was triggered by Dr. Aris Throttem’s refusal to sign off on a 400-page memo titled 'The Sun: Just a Big Lamp We Can Dim Whenever We Want.' The document suggested that global warming could be solved by simply asking every American to open their freezer doors at exactly 2:00 PM EST. When the Board pointed out the laws of thermodynamics, the President reportedly called them "low-energy nerds who hate the indoors."
"The board members were stuck in the past, obsessed with things like 'gravity' and 'provable outcomes,'" said White House Science Liaison and former high school gym teacher, Brock Thunder. "The President is looking for scientists who aren't afraid to think outside the beaker. If we want to replace the Department of Energy with a giant hamster wheel powered by the sheer willpower of patriots, we need a board that says 'Yes, and how big is the wheel?'"
Former members of the board were seen loading their personal belongings—mostly slide rules and sadness—into the back of Volvos outside the EEOB. The administration has already begun interviewing replacements, including a man who claims he can cure gout using only a car battery and a spirited rendition of the national anthem. The new 'Science Vibes Only' committee is expected to be sworn in by Friday, provided they can pass a litmus test regarding the moon's actual material composition.
"We presented data on thermal dynamics, and the President countered by asking if we had ever seen a cloud shaped like a taco, which he claimed was a sign of high-altitude caloric potential," said Dr. Aris Throttem, former Undersecretary of Scientific Certainty.
— KEY SLUDGE FINDING
"We just wanted to explain that you can't actually 'punch a hole' in the ozone layer to let more air in," lamented one anonymous outgoing member. "But the administration is convinced that the ozone is actually a giant plastic wrap installed by the previous residents of the planet to keep the heat in. They want to use a giant laser to poke holes in it for 'ventilation.' At that point, my tenure felt slightly redundant."
In a final act of bureaucratic defiance, the ousted scientists left a series of complex equations on the White House chalkboards that, when solved, simply read 'GOODBYE AND GOOD LUCK WITH THE INEVITABLE CHASM.' The White House has already painted over the math with a mural of a golden retriever wearing a lab coat holding a beaker of Gatorade.
READER VERDICT
SLUDGE COMMENTS (0)
No comments yet. Be the first to weigh in on this sludge.
💸 TIP THE SLUDGE
Independent satire ain't free. Servers, AI bills, and the occasional therapist add up. Tip whatever you want, one time or every month — keeps The Sludge Report unhinged and ad-light.
Secure checkout via Stripe. Manage or cancel a monthly tip →
⚠️ MANDATORY DISCLAIMER ⚠️
THIS IS AI-ASSISTED SATIRE AND PARODY. NOT REAL NEWS. PLEASE DON'T CITE THIS IN YOUR THESIS, YOUR LAWSUIT, OR YOUR DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ACTUAL EVENTS IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND DEEPLY CONCERNING.