NAVY SECRETARY OUSTED AFTER SUGGESTING WARSHIPS SHOULD BE MADE OF RECYCLED SELTZER CANS TO SAVE ON TARIFFS
The sudden departure comes after a heated Oval Office dispute over whether the next generation of destroyers should be 'Lime' or 'Black Cherry' flavored. Internal memos suggest the Secretary was tired of 'heavy metal' and wanted a 'crisp, refreshing' fleet.
SLUDGE REPORT ILLUSTRATION — NOT A PHOTOGRAPH (PROBABLY)
By Doyle Squintwhistle, Esq.
UNATTENDED HOTEL CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST — FRIDAY, APRIL 24, 2026
The Secretary of the Navy was abruptly removed from his post this morning following a series of increasingly frantic disputes regarding the future of American shipbuilding. Sources close to the Pentagon reveal the final breaking point occurred when the Secretary proposed a $40 billion contract to replace the current fleet of steel destroyers with giant, pressurized aluminum vessels modeled after the 12-ounce White Claw can.
The Secretary reportedly argued that the transition to aluminum would not only bypass rising steel tariffs but would also allow the Navy to "pivot toward a more lifestyle-oriented maritime experience." The plan, codenamed "Project Hard Seltzer," envisioned aircraft carriers that were 100% recyclable and featured a faint, lingering scent of artificial grapefruit.
"The Secretary truly believed that the only way to modernize the fleet was to make it 'light and sessionable,'" said Admiral Plink Girth, a man whose medals are currently held on by industrial-strength Velcro. "He wanted the USS Gerald R. Ford to be rebranded as the 'USS Truly Tropical.' When the President asked about the deck’s ability to withstand F-35 landings, the Secretary just said the planes would find the surface 'remarkably effervescent.'"
Shipbuilding experts at the Naval War College expressed concerns that an aluminum-can fleet would struggle against even the mildest of headwinds, likely being crushed like a discarded beverage container by the first passing wave. Tensions peaked during a tabletop exercise where the Secretary attempted to "shotgun" a scale model of a nuclear submarine to prove its structural integrity.
"The Secretary’s insistence that a submarine could be successfully ballasted using only unflavored carbonated water was the final straw for the Joint Chiefs," noted Admiral Plink Girth.
— KEY SLUDGE FINDING
Acting leadership has already moved to revert to traditional steel construction, though reports indicate that several thousand tons of lime-flavored paint have already been ordered for the hulls. The former Secretary was last seen at a local recycling center, reportedly trying to redeem the blueprints for five cents each.
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