EL SALVADOR TO COMMENCE 'MASS TRIAL' VIA BATTLE ROYALE WHERE LAST DEFENDANT STANDING WINS A LIGHTHOUSE
Legal experts say the new judicial streamlined process reduces the traditional 10-year court backlog to a single 45-minute televised afternoon event. The move comes as the government ran out of gavels and decided to pivot to 'vibes-based sentencing.'
In what is being hailed as the most efficient judicial reform since the invention of the dungeon, El Salvadoran officials have announced a mass trial for 486 alleged gang members that will be settled via a bracketed, winner-take-all physical elimination tournament. The move marks a departure from traditional legal standards, replacing boring cross-examinations with a mandatory obstacle course and what the Ministry of Justice calls 'High-Stakes Pictionary.'
Attorneys for the defendants expressed mild concern that their clients would not have adequate time to present evidence, but the government countered by noting that each prisoner is provided with a regulation-size whiffle bat and a clear set of instructions on how to reach the 'Pardon Zone' through a tube filled with glitter and very confused geese. The trial is expected to last roughly three hours, or as long as it takes for the heavy metal soundtrack to finish its loop.
"We found that traditional trials were simply too quiet and involved far too much sitting down," explained Dr. Hector Fang-Maldonado, Deputy High Executioner of Logistics, while sharpening a ceremonial clipboard. "By having all 486 men argue their innocence simultaneously while wearing oversized inflatable sumo suits, we reach a deeper, more kinetic truth. If the law didn't want them to tumble, why did the law provide the incline?"
Legal scholars from the prestigious San Salvador Academy of Vibes and Torts suggest this could be the future of international law. The 'Mass Trial MAX' package includes various sponsorship opportunities, with local hardware stores providing the razor wire and a regional fruit-roll-up manufacturer sponsoring the 'Tears of the Accused' hydration break. Critics argue it violates a dozen humanitarian treaties, but the government pointed out that those treaties were written in font sizes that are 'too small to be legally binding' under the new Sunlight Clarity Act.
"The Constitution never explicitly said the jury couldn't be a hungry pack of feral dogs let loose in a shipping container," said Dr. Hector Fang-Maldonado, Deputy High Executioner of Logistics.
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As the tournament nears its final round, the lone survivor will not only be granted full clemency but will also be awarded a lighthouse on the coast, provided they agree to paint it neon pink and maintain a 24-hour livestream of themselves eating various types of regional cheese. The remaining 485 defendants will be sentenced to a lifetime of manual labor involving untangling headphones.
Editor’s Note: This article was edited to remove a 400-page section describing the specific brand of sneakers favored by the judiciary for maximum sprinting speed during sentencing.
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