THE SLUDGE REPORT

In a move that combines corporate welfare with mandatory HIIT training, the Trump administration and Spirit Airlines have reportedly reached a 'conceptual agreement' on a federal bailout that would replace traditional jet engines with a series of massive rubber bands and 180 underfed passengers. The 'Spirit of America' plan, as it is being tentatively called, would allow the airline to keep flying provided it becomes the first 'human-kinetic' fleet in history.

Under the terms of the deal, passengers who pay the 'Standard Flex-Cramp' fare will be required to pedal a series of crankshafts installed beneath their tray tables. 'It’s about self-reliance,' said Deputy Secretary of Transit, Barnaby G. Thicket. 'Why should the taxpayer fund the fuel when the people in row 24 have perfectly good quads? If the plane loses altitude, it’s not a mechanical failure—it’s a lack of hustle from the travelers. We’re turning every flight into a high-stakes Peloton class where the instructor is a very tired woman named Denise who is only allowed to give you half a cup of water.'

The airline has already begun retrofitting its Airbus A320s with a 'Treadmill First Class,' where passengers can pay an extra $45 for the privilege of running on a belt that directly powers the cockpit’s GPS system. 'It’s a win-win,' said Spirit CEO Ted 'The Squeeze' Christie. 'Our customers are already used to suffering for a bargain. This just gives that suffering a purpose. Plus, we’re introducing a ‘Heavy Breather’ fee for anyone who pants too loudly during the ascent.'

Critics argue that the plan might be dangerous, especially given that the average Spirit passenger is currently fueled by three-ounce bottles of airport rum and extreme resentment. However, the administration remains bullish. 'We’ve seen the data,' Thicket added. 'If you tell a bachelor party heading to Vegas that they can’t land until they generate ten kilowatts, they will peddle until their veins pop. It’s the ultimate incentive structure.'

If you want to get to Orlando for $19, you need to be prepared to produce at least 400 watts of sustained aerobic output.

— KEY SLUDGE FINDING

Spirit has also announced that 'Checked Baggage' will now be renamed 'Counter-Weights' and will be tossed out of the plane manually by the flight crew if the pilot needs to perform a sudden climb. Passengers are encouraged to wear moisture-wicking fabrics and sign a waiver that prevents them from suing if they are 'accidentally integrated into the drivetrain.'