THE SLUDGE REPORT

Investigations into a Memphis residential property have taken a bizarre turn as local authorities revealed that the 'remains' discovered on-site were not biological, but rather an illicit dumping ground for unfinished academic assignments dating back to 1974. Police Chief Gary Murbles held a grim press conference Tuesday, displaying several tattered Trapper Keepers that had been sealed in concrete by middle schoolers who 'just couldn't deal with the hypotenuse anymore.'

The excavation, which lasted forty-eight hours, uncovered over six thousand pounds of damp loose-leaf paper. On these pages, thousands of children had attempted—and abruptly abandoned—the task of finding 'x.' Dr. Vance Calculus, a consultant from the Department of Scholastic Cold Cases, noted that the level of frustration preserved in the handwriting was 'toxically high,' suggesting the site may have been used as a communal disposal point for students fearing parental retribution over C-minus grades.

Neighbors reported seeing shadows moving under the porch late at night for decades, which they now realize were just children burying their shame along with three-ring binders. 'I thought they were hides of some sort,' said local resident Beverly Husk. 'But it was just the 1993 8th-grade curriculum. It’s a tragedy that so many variables were left unsolved in such a shallow grave.'

Forensic linguists are currently attempting to identify the original owners by the smell of Strawberry Lip Smacker and the specific pressure of the graphite on the pages. The Memphis District Attorney has stated that while the statute of limitations on 'hiding your report card' has passed, they are still looking into a possible RICO case against a local group of honors students who specialized in 'disappearing' unfavorable progress reports for a nominal fee of three Fruit Roll-Ups.

"What we found was a mass grave of isosceles triangles and forgotten carry-the-ones that had been decomposing since the Carter administration," reported Chief Forensic Numerologist Dr. Vance Calculus.

— KEY SLUDGE FINDING

City officials have declared the basement a Superfund site for Academic Negligence. Plans are currently underway to incinerate the homework, though experts warn that burning this much concentrated algebra could release enough 'academic dread' into the atmosphere to cause a localized brain-fog that would render the entire county incapable of calculating a tip for at least six weeks.