THE SLUDGE REPORT

While battling the 40,000-acre blaze currently tearing through the Georgia-Florida border, emergency crews made a discovery that transcends forestry and enters the realm of the culinary-supernatural. Deep beneath the scorched roots of a centuries-old oak tree, a sinkhole opened to reveal a fully functioning, pristine Arby’s franchise operating 200 feet below the surface. Even more shocking were the staff members, who appear to be a race of ageless humans dedicated to the preservation of the Hornet roast beef profile.

'We thought it was a bunker for the elites,' said Fire Captain Daryl 'Soots' McMillian, who was the first to enter the grease-scented cavern. 'But then a guy named Kevin, who claimed to have started his shift during the Clinton administration, asked if I wanted to upgrade to curly fries for an extra sixty cents. He looked twenty-four, but his employee ID was dated October 12, 1994. The slicer was humming. There was no smoke down there, just the heavy, comforting aroma of Horsey Sauce.'

The underground facility, which the inhabitants call 'The Great Meatery,' reportedly contains enough frozen beef to feed the Southeast for three decades in the event of a total societal collapse. The 'Managers' claim they were chosen by a mysterious corporate deity known only as 'The Voice' (who sounds suspiciously like Ving Rhames) to keep the fires of the ovens burning even if the world above is reduced to ash.

Local anthropologists are baffled by the find. Dr. Aris Pervival of the University of North Georgia noted that the subterranean staff speak a dialect comprised entirely of promotional slogans and nutritional facts. 'They don't understand the concept of the sun,' Percival said. 'They only understand the concept of the 2-for-$6 deal. They have achieved a state of fast-food nirvana where time has no meaning, only the internal temperature of the beef matters.'

They emerged from the embers wearing visors that weren't even singed, asking if anyone had a coupon for a Beef 'n Cheddar.

— KEY SLUDGE FINDING

Corporate headquarters in Atlanta has denied any knowledge of the 'Lich-Managers,' though a leaked memo titled 'Project Horsey-Z' suggests the company has been looking for 'renewable biological storage solutions' for mid-level management since the late eighties. The survivors have refused to evacuate the sinkhole, stating that the wildfire above provides 'excellent ambient heat for the slow-roasting process.'