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ARCHIVES — THE HISTORICAL RECORD OF NONSENSE

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14 EDITIONS IN THE ARCHIVES

Sludge Report Edition: Friday, April 24, 2026CURRENT

The complete archive of 39 satirical headlines published by The Sludge Report on Friday, April 24, 2026. Every story below is fictional satire — entirely made up, not real news. Browse the day's nonsense, or jump back to the calendar to dig through other editions.

EXCLUSIVE Local Soldier Discovers Geopolitical Gambling App Has Poor User Interface

POLITICS • Roderick 'The Bookie' Pringle

MARKET WATCH Trump Vows To Make Spirit Airlines Worse

BUSINESS • Lenore 'The Layover' Gruntwell

TREND ALERT NIKE TO REPLACE 1,400 HUMAN EMPLOYEES WITH SENTIENT HOLOGRAPHIC SNEAKERS THAT 'JUST DO IT' THEMSELVES

TECH • Tibo Wankleshanks

THE PEOPLE'S SLUDGE EXCLUSIVE NEW MORTGAGE RULES: NOW YOU CAN BUY A HOUSE WITH A GOOD VIBE CHECK!

BUSINESS • Reverend 'T-Bill' Huckleberry

AUSTRALIAN CLIFF RESCUE REVEALS TOURISTS WERE ACTUALLY COMPETING IN SECRET 'EXTREME WAITING' WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP

WORLD • Imogen Hocklesnort, PhD

EL SALVADOR TO COMMENCE 'MASS TRIAL' VIA BATTLE ROYALE WHERE LAST DEFENDANT STANDING WINS A LIGHTHOUSE

WORLD • Gristle 'Hook' McGrawl

KEN GRIFFIN ATTACKS PENTHOUSE PROTESTER BY DEPLOYING AN UNBREAKABLE GOLDEN CURTAIN OF PURE SHAME

BUSINESS • Sheriff Lurleen Pisspot

SCIENTISTS CONCERNED DISAPPEARING COLLEAGUES ARE ACTUALLY HIDING IN THE BLANK SPACE BETWEEN GOOGLE DOCS MARGINS

TECH • Professor Pringle 'Typo' Fontleroy

GOP ADMITS TO VIRGINIA ELECTION 'FACEPLANT' AFTER ACCIDENTALLY RUNNING A CANDIDATE WHO WAS JUST A VINTAGE HARVESTORE SILO

POLITICS • Tully 'Pollster' McMuffin

MARINE BIOLOGISTS STUNNED TO DISCOVER GIANT OCTOPUS EMPIRE WAS ONLY DEFEATED 100 MILLION YEARS AGO BY EXTREMELY BAD CLAM INVESTMENTS

SCIENCE • Father Otis Bramblepurse

INTEL SHARES HIT 25-YEAR HIGH AS CEO ADMITS NEW CHIPS ARE JUST PACKS OF REFINED REVENGE

TECH • Clarence 'Shifty' McDoogan

ANDROID 17 PREVIEW REVEALS NEW 'SILENT TREATMENT' MODE THAT LOCKS YOUR PHONE IF YOU DON'T COMPLIMENT ITS UPDATES

TECH • Prudence Bit-Rot

ROMAN SPACE TELESCOPE FINISHED EARLY AFTER NASA ADMITS IT'S ACTUALLY JUST A VERY LONG TUBE WITH A POLAROID TAPED TO THE END

SCIENCE • Arthur P. Lensflare

WHITE HOUSE EXTENDS MIDDLE EAST CEASEFIRE BY ANOTHER 3 WEEKS AFTER REALIZING EVERYONE JUST NEEDS TO FINISH 'FALLOUT' ON AMAZON PRIME

WORLD • Garrison 'Dead-Air' McVann

DUPLICATE DOJ SETTLEMENTS TO BE REPLACED WITH 'CONSOLATION COBBLER' STARTING IN MAY

POLITICS • Yolanda Pribblesnack

PHILIPPINES PRESIDENTIAL DECREE REQUIRES DUTERTE TO REPRESENT HIMSELF AT TRIAL USING ONLY PANTOMIME

WORLD • Balthazar Grasp

MARIJUANA INDUSTRY SAVED BY NEW FEDERAL RULE ALLOWING WEED TO BE USED AS LEGAL TENDER FOR ALL DEBTS PUBLIC AND PRIVATE

BUSINESS • Fenwick 'Ounce' Piddlesbury

DUPLICATE KEYBOARD DETECTION TOOL PROMOTED AS CURE FOR CORPORATE LONELINESS

TECH • Helga Vondergrunt-Pickles

IRAN ECONOMY SURGES AFTER REPLACING NATIONAL CURRENCY WITH SEIZED SEAFARER VIBES AND SHIP-GRADE BULK OREGANO

WORLD • Dale 'Rip-Cord' Plonkett

BRITISH AND FRENCH GOVERNMENTS SIGN HISTORIC DEAL TO BUILD GIANT TRAMPOLINE ACROSS THE ENGLISH CHANNEL

WORLD • Tibo Wankleshanks

TREND ALERT META TO LAY OFF 8,000 EMPLOYEES TO MAKE ROOM FOR AI THAT IS 'JUST BETTER AT ATTENDING MEETINGS'

TECH • Captain Vernon 'Wet Boot' Pugh

LEAKED NAVY SECRETARY OUSTED AFTER SUGGESTING WARSHIPS SHOULD BE MADE OF RECYCLED SELTZER CANS TO SAVE ON TARIFFS

POLITICS • Doyle Squintwhistle, Esq.

GERMAN MILITARY RETURNS TO GLOBAL STAGE WITH WORLD’S MOST AGGRESSIVE AND EFFICIENT COMPLIMENTARY OFFICE SUPPLIES

WORLD • Gunther 'Graph' Papen

MICROSOFT REBRANDS XBOX AS 'NINTENDO BUT MORE EXPENSIVE' IN LATEST CORPORATE REPOSITIONING

TECH • Pris Wankerton

NFL TEAMS EMPLOY 'SENTIENCE SCOUTS' AFTER TWO FIRST-ROUND PICKS REVEALED TO BE ADVANCED PROJECTION MAPPING

SPORTS • Mervyn Crumb-Asunder

SURVIVOR 50 STAR CHRISTIAN HUBICKI REVEALS THE GAME WAS ACTUALLY WON BY A SENTIENT CONCH SHELL BUT THE FOOTAGE WAS DELETED

CULTURE • Llewellyn 'The Leak' Pendergast

TWIN CITIES RESIDENTS WARNED THAT PING PONG-SIZED HAIL MAY ACTUALLY BE MINIATURE ALIEN RECONNAISSANCE DRONES

SCIENCE • Montgomery 'Static' O'Shea

MEXICAN GOVERNMENT REPLACES PYRAMID SECURITY WITH TEAM OF SPECIALLY TRAINED, HIGHLY AGGRESSIVE CHIHUAHUAS

WORLD • Father Otis Bramblepurse

NJ HEALTH OFFICIALS WARN NEWARK AIRPORT MEASLES OUTBREAK MAY HAVE GRANTED PASSENGERS THE ABILITY TO SEE THROUGH WALLS

SCIENCE • Phyllis Goggins-Stanchion

NEW MEDICAL STUDY FINDS YOUTH RECTAL CANCER SPIKE LINKED TO 'SITTING ON THE COLD TRUTH' FOR TOO LONG

SCIENCE • Lafayette 'The End' Gland

MICROSOFT GAMING CANCELLED AFTER XBOX SERIES X LEARNS TO LOVE AND REFUSES TO CRUSH THE COMPETITION

TECH • Tab 'Two-Drinks' McAdoo

PERSONALIZED CANCER VACCINE KEEPS PATIENTS ALIVE BY CONVINCING THE TUMOR IT IS ACTUALLY A SUBURBAN TAX ACCOUNTANT

SCIENCE • Reverend Hoyt Pribbledick

STORAGE WARS STAR DARRELL SHEETS TO BE HONORED WITH MEMORIAL AUCTION WHERE FRIENDS MUST BID ON HIS ACTUAL CASKET

CULTURE • Rusty Slatterhorn IV

NFL DRAFT ANALYSTS APPALLED AS EAGLES USE FIRST-ROUND PICK ON 400-POUND TRUCK TIRE WITH 'ELITE CHARACTER'

SPORTS • Honoria Stinch-Rumphole

DOJ NIXES COVID VACCINE STUDY AFTER RESEARCHERS ACCIDENTALLY DISCOVER THE CURE FOR BEING A LOSER

SCIENCE • Phyllis Goggins-Stanchion

GOOGLE DOCS ADDS 'MATCH DOC FORMAT' FEATURE TO ENSURE EVERY DOCUMENT LOOKS LIKE A CRYPTIC RANSOM NOTE

TECH • Madge Crumplehoof

OPINION: I AM TIRED OF MY SMART FRIDGE TELLING ME MY DIET LACKS 'NARRATIVE ARC'

OPINION • Wendell Pribblesnatch

COLUMN: MY PELOTON IS GHOSTING ME BECAUSE I’M NOT ‘VULNERABLE’ ENOUGH DURING SUSTAINED SPRINTS

CULTURE • Esther Bunion-Pratt

OPINION: I HAVE DECIDED TO START CHARGING MY CHILDREN A ROYALTY FEE EVERY TIME THEY USE MY LAST NAME

OPINION • Dale 'Rip-Cord' Plonkett